April 21, 2014
Rejoice, betches, summer is almost here. With the weather finally warming up we can finally turn our attention towards our favorite past time: day drinking. Put on a bikini, head over to your bestie’s yacht club, and be sure to insta at least three pics showing how you still have your SB tan. It’s time to get drunk on a boat.
Boat drinking is kind of like the pregame before the pregame: fucking exclusive. What's betchier than being able to tell your bestie that, no, her loser bf cannot join because there's not enough room. It's like a safety hazard. We totes don’t have enough life jackets!! Your friend might bug you by saying "What's one more person?" but I’m pretty sure that's what they said about the Titanic. Do I look like Molly fucking Brown? Once you’re out on the water, besides the occasional courtesy wave to other boaters, you don't have to acknowledge anyone you don’t want to. It’s basically all the fun of going out without having to deal with all the povos and undesirables. You don't even have to fake a smile at the doorman, doorman.
Drinking on boats also provides amazing photo taking opportunities. Bonus points if the pic you post of you and your besties casually contains a backdrop of the city sky line or like, a really sweet summer house. When neither of the aforementioned are available, a pic of your legs sticking out over the side should do the trick. #imonaboat #gotmyfilppyfloppies. 20 likes within the first five minutes, guaranteed.
In terms of what to drink, boating is one of those rare occasions where beer is acceptable. Other good choices are margs on the rocks or champagne if you want to pretend to be classy. Shots are acceptable once you're out at sea a little bit, just definitely not when you're within the judging eye of the yacht club. This is a place of class. The best thing about drinking on boats is that most of the time you have no idea how fucked up you really are. I’m just getting my sea legs! If a betch is blackout enough she might even jump in the water, at which point she’ll discover she really is feeling those drinks, remember she hasn’t swam since like, high school, and realize this was a really bad decision. Hand me a floaty!! HAND ME A FUCKING FLOATY!!
Above all, drinking on the boat does wonders for your tan. No day on the water is complete without you “falling asleep” after drinking your weight in wine. You'll wake up feeling tan and dehydrated, or in other words, fucking amazing.
So get out on the water, betches. And remember, if you start vomming up those tequila shots, you can always just blame it on sea sickness.