June 12, 2012
So you’ve been at the frat with your besties for like 15 Avicii songs now, and despite your extensive pregame it’s time to hit the fucking bar. You’re probably sick of dancing, ugly hot bros sweating all over you, and just need some fresh air...or 4 shots. You see a familiar girl's face at the bar and say, “Hey I just met you, and this is crazy, but pour me a shot and let me use your fucking chaser”…commence Drunk Bonding.
Unlike the usual Sunday regrets such as fucking your ex or informally telling your boss she has cankles, the DB can have valuable outcomes. It might be a joint quest to find the only remaining handle at a party, a moment of shadily railing adderall off each other’s iPhones, or a bathroom run-in leading to an emotional heart to heart about the stubborn 3 ozs haunting your inner thighs. But regardless of the circumstances, drunk bonding is like fucking a black guy: once it’s been done things will never be the same.
The drunk bond can make you realize someone that you once qualified as a home schooled jungle freak is actually really fucking cool. This usually leads to the most common form of a good DB: unrealistic, excessive plans to smoke j's, go shopping, lay out, paint nails, or finally do shrooms in the quad together.
Other times, you’ll accidentally drunkenly bond with someone not worthy of your sober friendship. This DB aftermath results in an awkward pass-by on campus thinking “Fuck. You definitely know the intimate details of my v card transaction during my cousin's bat mitzvah, yet I really don't care to acknowledge your existence right now."
Side Note: If you want to take your drunk bonding to another level, throw in some casual molly and/or coke and by 4am you’re sure to be plotting an extravagant business venture with some rando on the back deck. Okay so you can totally be the one who does the mathy shit and I'll like be the one who promotes, and we can make like really cute flyers and throw them off the balcony at clubs like rappers do with money, only less trashy, but then we should probably also make business cards just in case we go global.
Whether it be your future little, the smart TAB who sits behind you in stats, or the stray dog lingering around the frat, at the end of every good night a betch has undoubtedly bonded with something. Forming new or mending previous betch relations can be more difficult than getting Rosie O’Donnell to a salad bar, but fortunately for us there’s alcohol. And you never know, today’s drunk bitch could be tomorrow’s drunk bond.