February 19, 2015
Normally, this shit would be our worst nightmare- some guy telling you the “future” you’ll have together via tinder. But then again, this didn’t happen to us so it’s not like we give that much of a shit.
Some other rando bitch, however, actually had that happen on Tinder when some dude started writing a fucking novella describing their life together. Though it initially kinda sounds like some creepy stalker shit where he wants to cut off her skin and wear it to his birthday party, it’s actually fucking hilarious.
He starts with a line calling her the “Amal to his Clooney”, which is like such a compliment, well played, and then continues talking dirty about “international rights”. Instead of obviously getting the joke (I don’t think this girl is much of a betch), she’s like “oh haha are you an actor?” Okay, if he’s a fucking actor you should swipe automatically swipe left- that’s like the cardinal rule of tinder.
Luckily, the dude livens it up with a brilliantly written piece about their lives together, which includes forced pregnancies, presidential elections, twin sons named after dead rappers, divorce and prostitutes in Tijuana. Shonda Rhimes needs to hire this guy pronto, because his story is better than all last season of Scandal.
My personal favorite line is when he talks about being down in the polls (of the presidential election, obviously) and he’s like “we can’t have that because you married a winner.” Spoken like a true betch.