June 13, 2012
This week’s lesson in betchy linguistics seems somber at first glance, but as with all things associated with being better than everyone, there is so much more beneath the surface. Dying in the real world is like, sort of upsetting. But “dying” for betches is ten times more traumatic. A betch is “dying” when she finds herself in a situation in which she is so overcome with emotion that her soul temporarily just, like, ceases to exist.
Like the rest of our mottos, “dying” is all encompassing and, more often than not, it is implemented to save us time and energy when we’re busy not giving a fuck. However, unlike staples “stopppp I can’t” and “I meannn”, when implementing “dying”, less is way fucking more. In fact, on a monotone scale of 1 to Kourtney Kardashian you want to aim for a notch above Countess Luanne.
So how exactly do you utilize “dying” so as not to make your friends think you have stage 4 mad cow disease? Use the following examples as a guideline:
I’m hungover: dying.
I just ran into my ex at Duane Reade while buying Vagisil: dying.
The condensation on my iced coffee is now all over my new silk blouse: dying.
Emily gave a rose to Alejandro? AGAIN? Its killing me, I’m dying.
The dud sent me a long ass text about a supposedly hilar story from the night before but I don’t care to read past the first word: “dying.”
Ugh, my mom is making me vote: I’m dying. Of course a betch knows to give credit where credit is due and in the case of “dying” we are more grateful to no one than former Betch of the Week, Rachel Zoe. Rach transformed what is arguably the least betchy activity in the world into a betch’s go-to when we don’t care to do the work of expressing our emotions. The truest betches are the most efficient. As in, they only need one word to get their point across. Dying is clearly the purest form of this. A nice girl might say "That's so funny. I love it!" but a betch has shit to do and knows that those around her will understand her purest emotions with one simple verb. In fact, the only time in which it is inappropriate to implement “dying” is when you are actually dying, in which case a little more detail is necessary. Death is not chic and like, Casper is seriously pale. Make sure you remember the true definition of dying if you're ever drowning in a pool or your house is on fire. Text a fellow betch 'dying' and the only rescue you'll be getting is a gratuitous 'haha' reply. Remember, a cat might have nine lives but betches live forever.