Email Chains: Throwback Thursday | Betches

Email Chains: Throwback Thursday

By Sgt. Olivia Betchson

This bullshit “privacy notice” thing that’s been going around on Facebook got me thinking: these things are basically the 2015 and lame version of the chain emails we all got growing up. You know, the ones you had to forward to “10 friends or else you’ll have bad sex for the rest of your life” even though you were thirteen years old and obviously not having sex at that time. But even so, you still didn’t want to chance it.


Even though the story would change slightly (like, the method of torture that was going to be used against you if you didn’t forward this email), it would basically be the same thing each time: you’d get an email with a subject like “This is really cool! :-)” or some other click bait-y shit that would get you to open it and then insta-regret it. It would be from either your mom, Aunt, grandma (if your grandma had AOL and could actually use it), or another older relative. Shockingly, these were also the first people you sent the chain right back to, followed by your dad, brother, uncles, and as many besties as you needed to fill the quota.

The typical email opened like, “IF YOU DON’T SCROLL ALL THE WAY TO THE END THE GHOST OF A BABY DEMON NAKED MOLE RAT WILL HAUNT YOU IN YOUR DREAMS.”  And then had a whole bunch of fucking stars like this:

********************************
******************************
*************************
*********************
******************
***************
***********
********
*****
***
*
DON’T STOP

Followed by more fucking stars that spelled out “Sexy” or in the shape of a skull or some shit.

Now that you made it this far, I have some good news! You’ve been hit by the sexy train and if you don’t send this chain to the top 17 sexiest people in your life you’ll get hit by a bus and you’ll be ugly forever!!!!

And then you did just what the email said because you were weirdly superstitious, and that was basically it. Props to whoever came up with the OG chain email, even though nobody made any money off them they still got passed around like herpes. Which was a way better analogy than I thought originally because those things never went the fuck away. The chain emails, not the herpes. Anyway, whoever you are that made the first chain email, wherever you are, we salute you and hope you’ve found a better way to occupy your time since the early 2000s. Oh, and if you could tell that Nigerian prince to stop emailing me, that’d be great.

NOW IF YOU DON’T SEND THIS TO AT LEAST 10 FRIENDS A LITTLE GIRL WITH NO EYELIDS AND NO LIPS WILL COME INTO YOUR BED TONIGHT AND KILL YOU. YOU HAVE 8 MINUTES.




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LET IT OUT, HONEY

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