June 11, 2014
Betches' minds are like a fortress and when we’re on our game, nothing is cracking our impenetrable stony faces except for like a cute puppy gif. Basically what I mean is, a betch is highly adept at not letting shit get to her. Like if Harry Potter were a betch there’s no way Voldemort would’ve gotten away with all that mind control shit, or whatever was happening in the last movie.
Half-assed reference aside, obv there’s an exception to every rule, even when you’re a betch. Otherwise there’d be no need for this Faux Pas column in the first place.
Here are the types of meltdowns a betch may unfortunately have in the presence of others:
The drunken meltdown is the volcano of meltdowns because when it erupts it destroys everything in its path, but it was also totally predictable (usually). If something is seriously bothering you aka you’re on your period, be a proactive betch and get like, only a step above blackout. Or at the very least go to a bar you don’t like. That way when you have to take a three week hiatus until you can show your face there again after you were bawlin at the bar (and not in a ‘We Fly High’ kind of way), it’s no real loss to you.
Normal people get crabby when they don’t eat, which clearly explains why betches don’t have time to be nice (among other reasons). But even if you’re used to subsisting off rice cakes and big gusts of wind, at some point you’ll get even hungrier than usual and you’ll just snap. Like one time I pretended to be a vegetarian at camp and at one meal they were out of peanut butter and there were no chick peas at the salad bar and I just totally lost it, demanding “where is the protein?!” Luckily my friend was there and she’s never let me forget that low point in my life. But like Snickers says, you’re not you when you’re hungry.
You’re out somewhere and suddenly it hits you that it's the perfect opportunity to confront Katie about being such a frigid bitch who always looks constipated. For whatever reason, these bright ideas usually only come to you when alcohol is involved… weird, can’t imagine why that would be. Anyway, fighting with your bestie should obv be reserved for passive aggressive texts and def not where other people can see you. Like not only do you look like a BSCB in front of rando passersby, but all your friends are forced to stand there awkwardly and pretend not to know either of you while you hash out underlying issues going back to like the third grade.
Aaaaand none for Gretchen Weiners.
“I ordered a skinny, non-fat, no-whip, vanilla latte with skim milk, lukewarm, and my name is spelled M-E-A-G-H-A-N-N it’s not that fucking hard!!!” Once you come to your senses, these are a pretty bad meltdown to have, but not the worst. Like yes there were probably a ton of people around wondering who this bitch is that’s so anal about her coffee, but at the same time you don’t know any of them so who tf really cares. Obviously Starbucks is serious and a betch cares more about her sugary coffee imitation than she does about current events but it’s not worth screaming at some minimum-wage employee about. I mean IMO unless they legit kill you pretty much nothing is worth abusing someone that’s already so far below you on the job chain, but not everyone is as generous as I am. Choose your battles. Baristas worldwide: you’re welcome.
Every betch has her breaking point so hopefully if and when you hit yours, no one’s around to see it. And if you’re bugging out on the reg you maybe want to consider going to a therapist, or just like chilling the fuck out before someone makes a meme out of you and you accidentally end up on Tosh.0.