August 26, 2014
Compared to Sunday night's VMA festivities, the Emmys were a real snooze fest. For those of you that watched the entire show, bless you and what must be a monstrous hangover (kindly send over whatever drinking game you were playing). I mean, how many times can a betch watch Breaking Bad get an award, or The Normal Heart lose despite controlling five out of the six nominations?
I don’t know if everyone woman attending the Emmy’s was on the same cycle and didn’t want to have a “wardrobe malfunction” on their dress so they wore red but literally what the fuck? Were all of them trying to match the carpet? What’s with all the red?
Luckily, the Emmys always brings out a crowd trying to keep up with their big screen counterparts of the Oscars in glamour. The result is plenty of betches who, you know, at least went for it.
Here's what worked, what didn't, and what you wish you could burn from memory:
Sarah Silverman loves green, she likes it smoking hot with a flowery reminder of its plant origins. Besides the pot vape in her purse, her dress was also the color of her favorite recreational activity (It's weed. Is that clear? She's a pothead.).
Matthew McConaughey is doing what we in the biz like to call power clashing. The suit fits like he bought it before he became the #fitspo of a generation playing Ron Woodruff in Dallas Buyers Club. Camila Alves is wearing one of the cutout art projects Matthew McConaghey made while off on a diatribe... dresses are just flat cutouts, brother.
Damnn dandelion. Crazy Eyes cleaned up good.
Looks like someone just agreed to get a million dollars an episode then decided to live out a childhood fantasy to be TinkerBell. She even made the dress herself out of paper mache (or papier-mâché if you're that friend).
January Jones got mad that everyone forgets about her when talking about "weird girls" so she took the final step into quirkiness: she got bangs. Zooey Deschanel is actually hiding under that train whispering lines to say about bangs during interviews.
This dress is a board of all the meaningful work Kristen Wiig has done since leaving SNL!
Joan Rivers is so mad that Giuliana is on Fashion Police, she had the perfect joke that's a combination of old and pervy cooked up for Giuliana's new awful hair: "Giuliana's hair is SO short it looks like the amount of time I feel aroused before I remember my crippling arthritis!!"
Her slutty plunging dress says 'fuck me', her tummy says 'mission accomplished.'
A 14-year-old girl + Jon Hamm maybe once said he liked silver on set = this look, and all Kiernan Shipka looks for forever. Imagine the mindfuck of playing Jon Hamm's daughter on television. That's the type of incepted daddy issues every betch wishes they brought to their weekly therapy sessions.
When Sarah Paulson is in character, she fully commits. This includes this freaky, blood-speckled dress she slid into.
I know those boobs make it impossible to find a dress, but shouldn't they have made it easier to find a husband?
I wasn't a believer until comedy goddess Mindy showed up. Rushing to the store to buy everything coral I can get my hands on.
This has to be the reason Modern Family has won the Emmy for best comedy series five times in a row now--it's the only show that can get the old men of the academy to tune in every episode without fail. They cite "research" when their wives ask why they have to keep each episode on the DVR.
Seth introducing Amy as Beyoncé lowkey got us thinking this actually looks like something Beyoncé might wear. Power to all my strong females out there dressing one another.
PIPER'S FURLOUGH CAME THROUGH!!! Our favorite inmate went back to her pre-prison, pre-murderer betchy self and looks fabulous on the red carpet.
Exclusive sneak peek at this week's #EatingForTheInsta, this layered cake with white frosting. Oh, wait, nope it's Lena Dunham. Shut it down.
This is what happens when you let your dad style your hair.
Are these woman trying to be cast for American Horror Story? I don't understand the whole spooky Halloween look going on.
Although we prefer our beloved Kate in a purple hoodie and bangs, she cleans up nice for a woman that had me utterly convinced she was a pubescent boy.
Kelly Osbourne on the red carpet in step two of the E! plan to turn its Fashion Police crew of critique-ers into critiqued celebs. Guiliana Rancic is in step eight: Let it go, it's never going to happen, have fun in Chicago, bye.
You see what you're doing up there, Sarah, with your little, tiny body. A tight crop top works a lot better on your frame than an entire red carpet of fabric wrapped around your legs.
A dress so disastrous that it could only be saved.... by herself... as Olivia Pope.
The definition of a mom. Flowy and airy, this look is more brunch and champagne by the beach and less Emmys.
Katherine Heigl won her lawsuit over Duane Reade and she accepted this bag-looking dress from their clothing line as payment. In store now conveniently located far away from the mirrors, but very close to the OTC drugs.