Empire Recap: Fucking a Bad Guy Doesn't Count if He's Hot? Right?

By Betch Waldorf

We come back to empire after a week off for that shitty sport where mostly fat guys run around bases, to pick up where we left off with Hakeem being all kidnapped and shit.

Cookie keeps calling Hakeem off the hook and he's not answering because a) ugh can't you text me? I hate phone calls and b) he's a little busy being held hostage.

The kidnappers send Cookie a video of Hakeem all beat up and tied, and she's like lol good one Lucious. How fucked up does your family have to be where you automatically assume their dad is the kidnapper?

Hakeem sees his kidnappers for a hot sec and notices all of them have a branding of the Texas Longhorns on their back. Are they in a frat or something? Fucking Texas fans. Hakeem is like "yo are you Cowboys?" And they're like NAH WE GANGSTAS and pistol whip him. Night night Hakeem.

Cookie goes to confront Lucious, who is in the studio with Jamal recording a pretty decent piano jam. Obviously Empire writers are reading my recaps, because they are taking my "Jamal is a more gay and less hot John Legend" thing and making it a reality.

Jamal is a little bummed that Ricky Martin cheated on him with Tom Green and Lucious tells him the same fucking line I hear every episode "PUT IT IN THE MUSIC." Jamal could be like "I'm constipated" and they'd be like PUT THAT FEELING INTO THE BEAT.

Cookie comes in and is like, yo this shit with Hakeem isn't cool. Lucious is like wtf are you talking about? And then Cookie is like, SHIT. They decide to go confront the kidnappers, and you know that shit is about to be lit.

Jamal is like, can I go? And they're like no wtf. What are you going to do Jamal? Throw glitter at them?

Meanwhile, Precious is fucking some dude from the hood program they have at Empire. Lol precious has a boyfriend and you're alone. Let that sink in.

Cookie and Lucious go to meet up with the kidnappers, deliver 40k in ransom, pick up Hakeem, and bounce. The kidnappers call and Lucious is like "let's see proof of life." Cookie is like WHAT IS THAT?! Uh, did he stutter? It's exactly what it sounds like, he wants to make sure Hakeem is still alive and able to spit shitty raps.

When the dude shows up, Hakeem isn't there. Apparently Hakeem had the driver drop him off somewhere. Is this a kidnapping or Uber?

Lucious and Cookie are like WHERE IS HE? And the dude is like, woah don't drag me into this, I'm pitching tomorrow! And also, these dudes paid me a shit ton of money to be here. Lucious curb stomps him though, because bitches need to recognize.

Where did Hakeem go, you ask? Well, we meet up with Boo Boo Kitty who is crying to her mommy about how no one loves her, when Hakeem shows up and basically attacks her. They start making out and the whole thing is so weird. Like, you just got kidnapped? Could you fucking chill and maybe call the cops before you get your dick wet?

And that's the story of how the kidnapping plot line died. Cue the theme song.

Hakeem meets up with his concerned family and he's like- this wouldn't have happened if I wasn't rich and famous. Life is hard for Hakeem, okay?

Meanwhile, Saint Andre wants to interview all the people in Gutter Rat records and see what kind of people they are. Sorority recruitment of the rap game.

Precious is a little worried for her boyfriend, who is named J Poppa, because he is one Gutter Rat records and she wants Andre to like him. Well I really want you to dye your roots, but we don't always get what we want.

Turns out, Andre digs J Poppa because he is spiritual and Andre is the fucking chosen one. He's the holiest murderer I've ever seen.

Hakeem is rapping with his Latina girl group and keeps fucking up, but blames it on the girls. He starts looking like he is on drugs and just storms out. Everyone at home and on the show is just like, okayyyyyyy..... Awkward.

Lucious is using a bunch of metaphors about dogs with Cookie in reference to her little "thugs are trying to kill you" situation. Cookie doesn't wanna hear about Lucious' love of animals, takes her wine, and bounces.

Jamal and Lucious are back in the studio, where Jamal learns he got turned down from a concert because people think he's a "gay artist" when he's really gay AND an artist. MERMAN POP, IM A MERMAN. Maybe if you wore a shirt that wasn't made for a toddler, people would stop automatically labeling you as gay.

So he decides to hire a rich, gay white dude that Lucious hates to help market for him. Lucious argues with him for a second, but then they decide to put aside their differences for business. There is a 100% chance this will not work out. Can't wait.

Hakeem is at home, rapping to himself, hallucinating and punching mirrors. Oddly similar to that time I dropped acid at Coachella, except angrier and blacker.

Cookie starts taking to the hot concert promoter/ex cop. How does one go from being a cop to a concert promoter? Seems like a weird transition, but lol no one cares on this show.

He starts flirting with Cookie, saying he'll protect her and he convinces her to go meet up with the thugs who kidnapped Hakeem. He kisses her once, and all her brain cells fall out of her asshole and she's like "okay, let's go see some gangsters."

Jamal meets with Cookie and they talk about how they are worried about Hakeem. Jamal compliments Cookie and she's like WOW, THANKS SO MUCH. She acts like it's a goddamn miracle her sons respected her (it low key is).

Hakeem and Cookie go to meet with the Cowboys and Cookie is trying to negotiate when Hakeem whips out a gun. Everyone is like YOOOOOOOO. Shit just got heavy.

Cookie tries to reason with Hakeem and is like, imma jump in front of that bullet if you shoot, which is like so noble but also retarded. Hakeem eventually let's go of the gun, because he ain't legend, and Cookie takes it and points it at the thugs head.

She's like 3 seconds from lighting this shit up until they agree to leave her alone. She's like THIS IS MY BLOCK BITCHES. And they're like, ugh k whatever. Fine.

Back to Andre, who is watching J Poppa perform in their club. Andre is watching him and creams his pants a lil when J Poppa puts a bible verse in his rap song. You can just see Andre all excited like MY BROTHAAAAA. Everyone else is like wtf is this shit, I came to get crunk not find Jesus.

Andre also knows that J Poppa is j-poppaing Precious' vagina every night and he thinks it's inappropriate.

Andre: it's not okay you're boning J Poppa

Chris Rock's daughter comes on and some random ass dude steps to her and calls her an ugly bitch. Which is like, true. He then calls her a shitty rapper, which is like, half true. She keeps trying to rap, but then she gets pissed and is like fuck it. AND PROCEEDS TO KICK HIM IN THE FUCKING FACE. YOOOOOOOOOO

Andre is like "Lucious, she's a liability." And Lucious is like, nahhhhh you can't drop her. Obvi someone feels a little guilty for killing her daddy. Andre is like, are you forreal? She just roundhouse kicked that dude. I may be bipolar but I'm not imagining this shit.

Lucious goes to see Hakeem before his concert and tries to give him a beat with "no strings attached." Lucious is still trying to get Hakeem to come back to Empire and Hakeem is so over his shit. He's too busy being depressed over being held captive to deal with daddy rn. He throws the flash drive with the beat on it in the dirt.


Lucious confronts Hakeem and tells him to "man up," which he fucking says to every member of his family at one point in the season. Jamal and Andre, who have been told to man up like 6 times an episode, decide to step in. They're like, Cookie and Lucious, you guys need to bounce. As they're leaving Andre is like "AND Y'ALL BITCHES NEED JESUS."

The brothers start talking and they are actually compassionate and comfort Hakeem, who feels bad for being a bitch during his kidnapping. Jamal was like "if that was me, I would have done the same thing." And it's like, no. Jamal would have shit his pants and Andre would have prayed for them. Hakeem was the best option of the 3.

They huddle together and tell stories to calm Hakeem down while Andre leads them in prayer.

Andre: Dear Baby Jesus, may we go out and slay the rap game and remind all these other basic bitches to never step to us again otherwise we gonna murder those motherfuckers."
Jamal and Hakeem: amen. That was beautiful.

Hakeem goes to perform on stage and almost freezes up, until hot Latina gets him to overcome. Idk her name, and I'm not planning on learning it because I'm sure her plot line will disappear soon. We all saw what happened to Tiana and Becky G.

Everyone is pumped that Hakeem stopped puckering his asshole and decided to be a man, so they celebrate at his house. Shockingly there are no random bitches in his hot tub, which is a stark change from the usual. Hakeem starts thanking everyone, because his kidnapping was obvi suchhhh a burden for them.

They're all underage drinking, (because television is great, isn't it?) when the doorbell rings. Surprise, it's Boo Boo Kitty. She's like OMG HAKEEM I WAS SO WORRIED. Stage 5 clinger alert.

Boo Boo Kitty: OMG I have been calling you like crazy.
Hakeem: Seriously, does no one text?

Hakeem is actually really respectful to Anika, but also low shuts her down. He's obviously into the hot Latina, who is watching the whole thing. What happened to the shitty Lyons brothers? Who are these people- with their manners and their kindness?! ITS LIKE I DONT EVEN KNOW YOU ANYMORE.

Boo Boo Kitty leaves with her tail in between her legs, and honestly, I feel for her.

Lucious hunts down Chris Rock's daughter in the ghetto. Why is Lucious chillin in his million dollar car in the hood? I don't even wear my watch in downtown LA and are there like 3 streets in this neighborhood? How does he always know where the girl is gonna be? Whatever.

He tells her that he connects to her more than any of his sons, and that's probs because she's so much of a butch that he doesn't have to tell her to "man up."

He says he has a song for her, which is the same song he gave to Hakeem, and it's literally a repeating beat with the words "boom" and "bang." Sounds like a real banger! See what I did there? No? Okay, I'm gonna go fuck myself now, mahalo.

We finally see Cookie, dressed in sexy pajamas? Seriously wardrobe? She goes to visit the ex cop/concert promoter and is like PLZ FUCK ME. And he's like, k.

I'm watching this, drinking wine, screaming at the TV because I'm calling this. I know what's about to happen, this ain't my first Fox drama rodeo.

As Cookie pulls down the guy's shirt, we reveal what I already fucking knew- he's got a cowboy brand on his back. Sleeping with the enemy- CLASSIC.

So wait, he's a cop, concert promoter and thug? God his LinkedIn must be impressive.




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