Empire Recap: I’ve Got a Blank Space Baby, And It’s My Last Name

By Betch Waldorf

Lucious and Precious are walking to the club and Precious is like “there is a nicer way to do this shit to Hakeem.” Idk what’s going on, but I can assume the Lucious is about to do something fucked up to his own kids. Just another day in the life.

Freda Gatz, who is Chris Rock’s daughter (I guess I should finally learn her name) performs a song calling Hakeem “Daddy’s little girl”, and Hakeem is fucking heated.

He’s so heated, in fact, that he pauses his hookup session with Laura, the hot latina, to watch the video. Also, Laura mentions she is a virgin, and it’s like, of course you are.

Jamal is probs going to be in a Pepsi commercial, which is LOLZ. We all know if you ain’t coke, you ain’t shit. Welcome to the second string of soda, Mal. He has to make song and submit it by the end of the week, which Lucious says he will “help him with.” Jamal’s like, woah dude, could you like, back the fuck off for a sec?

Marisa Tomei, Andre and Lucious are talking about money and business and idk, numbers are hard. All I really gather is that Lucious tells them “wall street can kiss his black ass” and idk about that strategy.

Lucious is like, I need to be the number one and Andre is like is “that the kind of person you are?” and Lucious is like bitch I might be. Um, hello Andre have you seen this show? This should not be a realization you are JUST now making.

Andre: Winning isn’t everything
Lucious: I seriously fucking hate you.

Hakeem makes a video saying that he will battle Freda for his last name. This is a bad idea, mostly because they are both shitty and I’m going to have to watch it, goddammit. Why does Empire continue to torture me?

Suddenly flashes to Boo Boo Kitty looking beat AF- but hey, you’re getting air time girl, good for you. She’s holding a knife in one hand, I’m thinkin’, this bitch ain’t real, she won’t kill herself. She ain’t legend.

Then bam, she has a pregnancy test in the other hand. OH NO. She pees on that little stick, and lets be real, we’ve all been there before. Peeing on that little stick praying to a bunch of gods you don’t believe in that you’re not pregnant with that one frat guy’s baby. But unlike Boo Boo Kitty, our results come back negative and we get drunk and go fuck that same frat boy again. Go us!

She gets a positive pregnancy test. Meaning she is pregnant, with Hakeem’s baby. She calls Hakeem and is like, heyyyyyy Keem, funny story. Hahah lol can you call me later? Thanks ttyl!
Cookie is helping Jamal on his Pepsi commercial song in secret and she really wants Jamal to tell Lucious. Jamal is like, that’s a terrible idea, our dad is a legit murderer. He will actually murder me. Cookie’s like “okay, so?”

Cookie and Spanish Cowboy are talking about Hakeem vs. Freda, the battle of the two biggest shitholes in the game. Spanish Cowboy is like “Yo, Keem” and Hakeem is like “Woah, woah, woah there Pepe, we are not amigos, comprende? Make me a fucking tamale and refer to me only as Mr. Lyon” I’m paraphrasing but that’s basically what he said.

Cookie is pissed because she’s trying to get her cookout ready and Hakeem is dicking off with this rap battle bullshit, taking away from her shine.
Cookie is like “Freda is an animal” and Keem is like:

“Okay first of all, that was rude.
Second, I’m in the top ten rn.
Third, I made this company.
*Spanish cowboy tries to speak*
and fourth, Imma bout to take a taco and shove it so far up your asshole”

Spanish Cowboy shoves Keem and it’s like OH HELL NOOOOO. I did not leave the South Side for this! Cookie slaps the shit out of Spanish Cowboy and says “don’t ever touch my son.” AT LEAST SOMEONE PARENTS ON THIS FUCKING SHOW. Lucious take notes.

Cookie is like “if you lose, we lose everything” and Hakeem is like “obvi”

Cookie is with Jamal and is like, have you told your daddy about us? He’s like nah bitch, did you not understand? HE’S A FUCKING MURDERER. Suddenly Lucious shows up and Jamal shoves Cookie in the closet with a sandwich- what a way to go.

Lucious shows up with a song for Jamal and Cookie can hear the whole thing and it’s way more EDM then hers. Both are ehhhh in general though, tbh.

Rhonda, Andre’s basic bitch of a wide, runs into Boo Boo Kitty, who is crying in public. Oh, how the mighty have fallen. Rhonda is talking about how being pregnant is the happiest she’s ever been, which is weird because she is def not pregnant, right?

Rhonda is like “Lucious loves babies and he is like, so kind. You know, like how he should be all the time but never actually is.” Boo Boo Kitty is like, *insert ace ventura voice* reeeeeeehhhhhheeeallly?

Jamal facetimes Cookie about the song and Hakeem walks in, and is like “so you’re working with Jamal and not me?” Plus, she’s fucking your kidnapper but that’s another story.

Keem is like “you better cut this shit out or I’m gonna tell Lucious” and she’s like OH SO YOU A SNITCH BITCH. Goodie, we’re back to parenting through insults. We’ve gone a whole episode without Lucious telling one of his kids that they were being pussies, but we’re back.

Lucious, creepy lawyer and Andre are hanging out and talking about Swiftstream, which is the music station they wanna buy.

Lucious is like like “Dre has beats, Jay has Tidal…” Uh, are you seriously jealous of Tidal? I know Etsy shops that are more profitable.

Andre is like “every bone in my body is telling me this is a bad idea” and Lucious is like LET’S DO IT. Lucious def has a weird lesbian crush on Marisa Tomei and Andre is totally onto it.

Boo Boo Kitty shows up at Hakeem’s, and acts like nothing has happened, which is a bold strategy. Keem is a little bummed about his daddy issues and BBK is like “you need to surround yourself with good people” which is basically saying “lets fuck.”

Boo Boo Kitty straddles Keem, #tbt to like 6 episodes ago when she was his stepmom, and is like “I wanna tell you I’m pregnant and the best way to tell you is rape you first.”

Keem is like, look, I’m in love with Laura, plz stop. Boo Boo Kitty laughs because she realizes that she is SO fucked and Keem is like “so we’re still homies, right?” You didn’t even get friendzoned, you got homie-zoned. I’m not trying to say you should hate yourself rn, but I mean….

Jamal goes to show Lucious the song and he’s like yo this is hot, and it’s literally a combo of Cookie’s and Lucious’ songs. Jamal parent traps them and they seem surprisingly cool about it. He’s like, “look just combine the songs” and they’re like k. Empire is really starting to get too civil for me. BRING BACK THE MURDERS IN JAIL DAMMIT.

The songs sounds wack right from the beginning and Cookie and Lucious both blame each other, because duh. It wasn’t my fault, it’s yours!

Jamal’s getting all upset and it’s like here’s a thought Jamal- make your own damn music.

Lucious is like “you’re using my son for this” and Cookie pulls a classic repeat and mock defense. “ohhhhhh, your sonnnnn? He’s your sonnnnn?” Ugh if I had a nickel for every time I used that argument.

Jamal is like you two are a fucking embarrassment. This is going to change my life and you can’t even help me. Okay, it’s a Pepsi commercial. If this is going to change your career it probs wasn’t that good in the first place.

Cookie and Lucious make a bet on the battle- if Keem wins Lyon Dynasty produces Jamal’s album, but if Freda wins, then Empire can produce Hakeem’s. THIS IS A TERRIBLE IDEA. TERRIBLE. But they agree to it.

They are prepping for this rap battle and this is the worst shit I have ever seen. Literally they have a circle of people around them just saying random words and they have to produce a battle rap. Real line from Freda: “he ain’t a man, check. And he jealous of his brother, check!” That’s literally just sentence fragments with the word check after it, that ain’t a rhyme.

Jamal and Keem are eating Cheetos and hot sauce, wtf ew, and sitting on the floor, like a poor person’s sleepover.

Keem, who has slowly become my favorite character, gives Jamal good advice and tells him to use part of mom and part of dad and make the song. It’s better than the usual advice of “put feeling into the music!”

Jamal tells Hakeem that he’s going to win by being a performer, also good advice. Three episodes ago wasn’t Hakeem about to kill Jamal with a bat?

Lucious is at the streaming meeting and Mimi is super late and they’re all waiting on her. Sounds like something all my friends would say about me. The douche-y streaming guy who looks like a fatter, bitchier Seth McFarlane is like YOOOO THIS SHIT IS WACK IM TRYNA BOUNCE

Mimi comes in and her and Lucious throw shade at each other for a hot sec. She’s like “Lucious, you know I have personal issues and am on an all carb diet rn” and it’s like, seriously you showed up late to a billion dollar meeting to cry about your girlfriend?

Jamal invites Cookie and Lucious to the Pepsi concert and Jamal is like sit the fuck down and watch me perform. And they are like, ugh fine. Jamal starts with Lucious’ song then breaks into Cookie’s combining them both perfectly.

Minus the fact that it looks like Jamal is wearing a bath robe and he’s kicking and jumping around acting like he has Tourette’s, the song is a banger.

Jamal tells them that he wants them both to produce his album, and finds out that he wins the spot for the Pepsi commercial. Lucious is finally a good person and is actually happy for Jamal, though I’m sure this kindness will be short lived. Don’t go soft on me Lucious.


They’re all at the battle, waiting for Keem to show up. Just when you think he is about to bitch out, Hakeem makes a grand entrance because queens are never late everyone else is just early.

Lucious is wearing stunner shades looking like a prime douchebag, whereas Cookie has a permanent duck face.

Words are said and idk I think they are doing good. The only rap battles I have ever seen were on “8 Mile” and “Wildin’ Out” so I’m not exactly an expert in this department. College didn’t prepare me for this. However, I can tell you that the mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.

Hakeem performs with the crowd and gets everyone pumped and starts screaming his name. Hakeem announces he is dropping his last name, pulling the old “Beyonce” on ‘em, and he wins the battle.

Lucious has flashbacks to being a homeless child and looking up at a Lyon statue. So, clearly he gave himself their last name. How chic.

They are all celebrating when Vivica A.  Fox, aka Cookie’s sister shows up. Nothing ruins a good rap battle party like an annoying family member, amiright? She shows up to tell Cookie that their sister is on a bender- is that a new juice cleanse? Idk I went to private school, not Harlem.

Anyways, Vivica says that Carol dumped off her kids, and blamed Cookie. Cookie is like, shitttttt my b. They decide to go to Philly, which is a decision I would never make voluntarily.  There must be shit going down because no one is ever like, “you know what we should do this weekend? We should go to Philly!”

Laura’s car gets there and she begs Hakeem to let her go home with him, and he’s like, nah I’m trying to be respectful rn. CUT THE SHIT HAKEEM. I’m so sick of this “nice gangster rapper” bullshit.

Laura gets in the car, and guess who is disguised as the driver? Boo Boo Kitty. YOOOOOOOO. IT’S LIT.




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