September 24, 2015
Welcome back to Empire, the show that makes you feel like you’re Nicki Minaj when in reality you’re Iggy. Empire is essentially the show that you watch when you’re too old to watch “Black-Ish” and too smart to watch “Love and Hip Hop”.
I have very high hopes for this season and as long as we don’t have to fucking hear the song “Drip Drop” by Hakeem again, it should be an overall success.
We first arrive at a “Free Lucious” concert where we learn that Lucious has been held in jail for three months without bail. So basically, Lucious is locked up, they won’t let him out.
Hakeem is backstage and is talking to Cookie saying shit like “we shouldn’t be singing in for him, we should be singing for the innocent.” Hakeem you’re a fucking rapper not Oprah. You have a fucking lightening bolt shaved on the side of your head. Sit the fuck down and sing your damn songs. Don’t be a hero.
Cookie is rocking a fugly dress covered in peacock feathers, because what’s a Cookie Lyon’s outfit without the skin of an innocent animal, right? But seriously, it literally looks like road kill on a dress. Who is Cookie’s costume designer and what kind of drugs is she taking before work?
Suddenly, the music gets really dramatic and there is a skit being performed of a giant monkey in a cage. Everyone is looking at the stage with awe as the music plays and it’s like, okay is this a rap concert or Wicked? Who is the stage manager for this shit, Neil Patrick Harris? At this point, I feel like I’m watching a circus performance on acid.
Turns out that Cookie is in the giant ape costume, and gives an inspirational speech about innocent people being put in jail and how they need to free Lucious and all that bullshit. The crowd is getting riled up and are like fuck yes, you’re right! while Cookie rolls her eyes at this band of idiots because Lucious is obvi guilty AF.
Jamal and Hakeem perform and Jamal is wearing a V-neck so deep that you can damn near see his ball fro. Look Jamal, we get it. You’re gay. You went from looking like Jay Z to Elton John in a matter of three episodes.
Cookie meets their investor, Mimi (played by Marisa Tomei, who (if you have any movie culture at all) is the girl from “My Cousin Vinny” and (if your cinematically challenged) is the crazy teacher who fucks Steve Carell in “Crazy Stupid Love”). Mimi is a raging lesbian and has a lady boner for Cookie, so Cookie snuggles up, calls her bae and then begs for her money. A woman after my own heart.
Lucious is running the prison game, as expected. Why are all my favorite shows taking place in a prison? Incarceration, so hot right now. Cookie’s cousin, let’s just call him Cookie’s Prison Bitch, who shot the Rose dude tries to talk to Lucious about a dude named Frank coming to prison, wanting to kill him, and being crazy, etc. Lucious is like “talk to the hand peasant,” and tells him that he can walk home bitches/figure out this shit on his own.
So we’re all super excited to see this huge thug “Frank” right? Like, he’s about to be so badass. Wait, wtf is Chris Rock doing here? Chris Rock is Frank Gathers, the gangster? Are you shitting me? Or is this like a really morbid “Grown Ups 3”? I mean come on Chris, you star in “The Longest Yard” one time and suddenly you’re the top pick for a prison gangster? Who are his bodyguards? Adam Sandler and that “Paul Blart Mall Cop” guy? Seriously, the guy is like 150 pounds, soaking wet. Not enough 5 o’clock shadow in the world would make him look tough. What’s next? Is Ellen DeGeneres going to be a gangbanger?
Anyway, Jamal and Lucious are essentially running the company from jail. Lucious looks at the TV screen where Mimi and Cookie are talking at the concert and immediately is like “who is the lesbian?” Wtf? You saw the two women talking for like 6 seconds? Is Lucious’ gaydar really that on point? I bet he’s doing just fine in prison.
Lucious also complains about Cookie not coming to see him and it’s like, lol good one Lucious! Wait, you’re serious?
Lucious: Cookie hasn’t been by to visit.
Jamal: Well, you did murder her cousin and then lie about it. Plus, you never visited her while she was in jail and then divorced her and cut her out of a billion dollar company.
Lucious: wow okay, that was one time.
Andre, the bipolar giant, and wanna-be hip-hop Barbie are trippin balls about the fact that they killed someone. Andre is shirtless, making it the best scene of the episode so far. Still, they are less worried about that and more worried about who gets the empire. You can tell that blondie wants it real bad, but it’s like, okay, that’s like sticking Elle Woods in Straight Outta Compton. Could you imagine her conducting a business meeting at a hip-hop company?
Blondie: Snoop, how about you drop a cap in his ass in order to shut him up? Also, it has come to my attention that the maintenance staff has switched our toilet paper from Charmin to generic. All those opposed to chaffing please say I!
Honestly the blonde girl just kills me. Who is the fucking monster that cut her hair? Straight across bangs? Thick highlights? Whoever said that this haircut is okay is seriously disturbed. Plus, the actress basic AF. How did they hire this girl- put an ad on Craigslist? Host a casting call in rural Montana? And then just pull a name out of a hat? You have Hakeem’s dumbass hooking up with Naomi Campbell, and you give Andre, the hot one, this bitch?
Some prosecutor with a Kylie Jenner boob job comes to visit Lucious telling him that she’s about to fuck him with the long dick of the law and that he better take a plea bargain. Lucious is not taking any shit from her and calls her a “black bitch with cheap shoes.” Okay Katinka. Are you going to go around calling people “K-Mart” now?
My mother wholeheartedly thought that the prosecutor was a trans-woman, which is like way off base but good try mom. However, I can’t tell if this woman is really a lawyer or a fucking escort? I mean seriously, don’t they have a dress code in prison? Does she run a brothel as a side job? Overall, the scene is kinda weird and filled with sexual tension and idk how to feel.
FYI, the word “bitch” is used about 50 times during this episodes. It’s clearly the only curse word that Fox got the OKAY on because they use it for every other word. Next season Empire is going to be moved to HBO at the rate it’s going.
Chris Rock’s daughters come to visit him and his one daughter decides to rap for him. She’s actually pretty good and makes Hakeem look like he’s a dyslexic fourth grader reading a Dr. Seuss book aloud. Lucious tells her she’s talented and says she has a future at Empire. She might be the first rapper ever to be discovered in prison. Girl power.
The four fuckers (minus you Cookie, god bless you) trying to rid Lucious of his empire bust into a meeting and are like “we’re taking over bitch.” To which the lesbian woman surprises them by saying “mmmmm no, I’m siding with Lucious.” Leaving them at square one. Lucious and Gay Bar Jamal are still running the company. Womp womp.
Turns out Boo-Boo Kitty even fucked the lesbian girl, in hopes that she would pick them over Lucious. This gives us the best line of the night, brought to you by Cookie (obviously): “You can’t even dyke right.” Praise be, almighty Cookie has once again proven to be our leader.
Cookie comes home to find her sister and a giant package sitting at her door. The package is assumedly from Chris Rock (but I’m calling it right now I bet the package was from Lucious!!!!!!!!!!).
Anyway. The package. Yeah, the package is a fucking severed head. Empire took a tip from Breaking Bad and started featuring severed heads. You can’t really see the face, but I believe it’s Cookie’s bitch (aka her cousin). And man, that’s two cousins of Cookie’s murdered by someone associated with her. You know her aunt probably fucking hates her.
Jamal is in the studio singing the next theme song to the NYC pride parade when Cookie calls and tells him to go to Lucious’ house and be safe. The whole family is forced to stay in Lucious’ house while Cookie figures this shit out and gets it handled.
It only lasts about 4 minutes until Hakeem and Jamal start yelling about who’s more talented/going to sell the most albums. Hakeem is like “it’s obviously going to be me” and Jamal’s like “nahhh” and it’s like DUH, TIANA IS BETTER THAN BOTH OF YOU. TIANA SHOULD OWN EMPIRE. CASE CLOSED. Hakeem starts throwing a tantrum saying that “he should be the king!” I didn’t know Empire was becoming a spinoff of Game of Thrones. Hakeem Lyons, of New York City, the natural-born king and blood ruler of the Iron Throne. Next episode, Lady Melissandre will feature on one of his tracks.
And seriously Hakeem, you should be the king? You couldn’t even get into a fucking bar in LA. True story y’all, look it up.
Cookie visits Lucious and he keeps repeating about how he “hates her and loves her” and basically sings her the whole fucking Rihanna/Ne-Yo song. Cookie tells him that Chris Rock is fucking with her and their family and that Lucious needs to “handle it.” And of course by “handle it” she means that Lucious should have a civil, kind conversation and shake hands and make-up. Not murder someone. Never that.
Lucious meets up with Chris Rock and is like “yo, I’ll make your daughter a star” and Chris Rock is like fuck that girl man, I am gonna do what I want. #thuglife #damnitfeelsgoodtobeagangster
Lucious warns him that he still loves Cookie and he’s not going to tolerate anyone fucking with her. Chris is like “okay well, now I have to murder you.” Wow, that was subtle. Where are the guards in this prison? Or the video cameras? Who runs this place? The Center for the Blind? Is this the same kind of shit that Suge Knight is doing in prison right now? WE NEED ANSWERS.
Chris tells his henchmen to murder Lucious, but then it gets real awkward because nothing is happening. Lucious goes on a rant about how he rules the world and how he basically paid off the henchmen. So now Chris Rock is surrounded by a bunch of fat dudes that aren’t Kevin James and Rob Schneider and he’s like “well fuck me.” Lucious orders the henchmen to kill Chris Rock. So they do. And that’s how Chris Rock and that plotline that could have lasted a few more episodes, died.
Lucious: I’m going to sign your baby girl and then slip her my bone. (ACTUAL REAL QUOTE, WTF FOX) *murderers pause*
Chris Rock: Yo man, that’s kind of fucked up.
Lucious: You know what, you’re right. I’m sorry, I get so carried away when I’m killing people.
Cookie comes to Lucious’ house and tells the family that they are safe now and how they can all thank her and Lucious. Everything is nice for a hot second then Jamal turns into the gay Hulk and kicks everyone out of the house. Hakeem is like “it ain’t even your house dawg!” GOOD ONE HAKEEM!!! YOU TELL HIM HAKEEM!!!
Cookie tries to talk to Jamal but he is a straight up dick to her and tells her to leave. Uh, hold on Jamal. You can’t just talk to Cookie like that. She practically invented him, you know? Jamal is acting all tough and it’s like, oh hell no. Cookie did not sit through 17 years in jail to get yelled at by a pansy in a sweater-vest. Cookie slaps Jamal a few times because he’s an asshole who dresses like a mannequin at Guess, and leaves him. Crying. To himself. And his tears went drip drop, drip drippity drop.
Overall, I’m pretty please with the episode. No one told Hakeem that he’s “got it” and Jamal added another song to his hit album “Songs about my Dad and how shitty he is.” See all you fuckers next week, where, in cultural celebration, I will write this article while drinking a 40 out a of a brown paper bag.
Jamal Scarf Count: 1
Who do I think is going to run the Empire: Lucious. Hands down.