January 30, 2015
Eskimo Sisters (n): two women who have had sexual relations with the same guy
The term “eskimo brothers” has been around since the first two natives realized they bagged the same snow queen while out penguin hunting, and the rest is history. The relationship between Eskimo brothers is simple: they climbed the same mountain and conquered the same quest, now they’re buddies. No grudges held, a few stories exchanged, and they have a beer to christen the new bond.
The dance eskimo sisters partake in is far more complicated and complex. Sometimes our best friends end up being or Eskimo sisters via a small social circle, long limbos between relationships, and a few too many Thirsty Thursdays. These Eskimo sisters bonds are built on honesty (he wasn’t even that good), respect (NEVER overlap with a guy where actual feelings were felt), and discretion (never talk about it sober and only jokingly while heavily intoxicated in the girls bathroom of the bar.)
At the other end of the spectrum, there are girls that you knew or had no opinion of until hearing of this common fornication, and have a knee jerk reaction to judge them. Almost any woman can relate to stalking a girl on social media after finding out they slept with the same guy you did last month, and that “oh shit” moment when you make eye contact with her at the bar and can’t think of anything other than we shared a penis. There’s no going back now. She’ll never be “so and so’s friend from high school,” she’ll be “THAT girl that slept with the same bro you did.” Being a betch by nature means you’re alpha female and competitive. Does she have better hair than you? Hows her rack look? Does she get more Instagram likes than you do? I bet he didn’t buy HER breakfast the next morning like you.
One of the biggest factosr influencing the level at which you can judge your eskimo sister is time. If it’s been discovered that she’s sleeping in the same igloo you did last weekend, go ahead and give her that dirty look at the bar. But if you find out that god forbid your hook up from sophomore year of college also got down and dirty with your study buddy from Psychology class, you’re going to have to let his lack of celibacy go. It’s also important to understand that every guy that creates these connections is different. You might not GAF about the rando you took home last weekend sleeping around, but the first bitch to sleep with your ex-boyfriend is a sworn enemy. I’d like to preach that women everywhere shouldn’t feel uncomfortable, territorial, awkward, or angry towards women with whom they share a hooked up with, I can’t. It’s a weird grey area thats full understanding would involve having to understand the female mind, and by the time scientists nailed that down we’d change our minds just to piss them off.
And for you bat-shit betches that think you’re manipulative: Don’t befriend your eskimo sister to get back at the guy you are no longer hooking up with. Just because you watched John Tucker Must Die doesn’t mean you two will become BFFLs and band together to make his life hell. Bitter isn’t a good luck, move on.