October 17, 2014
Ebola is fucking everywhere, and it’s about time we talked about it. First off, what is Ebola? If you’re still asking that question, you really need to get out more and I’m not going to bother explaining what it is. I mean, if Iggy’s pulled her head far enough out of her ass to know what Ebola is then there really is no excuse.
Now that we have the first cases of Ebola to be contracted in the U.S., everyone’s just about gone into full-on panic mode. And while betches are all for not keeping up with the news, it’s a bit different when mass anxiety (read: my Xanax prescription) is involved. Meaning, I would rather learn my shit so I can decide if I need to build an airtight bunker, or if I can save my supply for important shit, like the few hours it takes for my SAB to text back.
How easy is it to get Ebola? If I like sit on a toilet season in Texas, will I get it? Meh, it’s not that easy. The CDC says you can only get it from direct contact with bodily fluids of someone who’s infected. Feel better? Don’t. Some people (like for instance Sen. Rand Paul) say the CDC has been the ultimate SAB, telling us Ebola is only spread through direct contact when you can actually get it from like three feet away. On the other hand, that sounds a lot like a conspiracy theory. The truth? Ebola was created by the Illuminati in order to wipe out the planet and build a super-human race of Beyoncé’s offspring.
What are the symptoms? Fever, headache, severe muscle pain, weakness, vomiting, diarrhea (ew), and some other everyday stuff like bleeding from your eyeballs. Basically if you’re experiencing flu-like symptoms you can probably milk that until this mass hysteria calms down.
Where did Ebola come from, and what does it want with us? West Africa….and it’s a virus, not a Batman villain, it doesn’t have a set list of demands. But let’s all make a sacrifice to the Ebola gods, just in case.
Okay enough with all the background, how panicked should I be? Do I need to invest in a big plastic bubble? I’m clearly the United States’ Chief Ebola Correspondent, and I say: everybody needs to chill the fuck out. I mean, even one of Fox News’ correspondents said the Ebola hype is way overblown, and it’s Fox News. At the end of the day only two people in the US actually contracted Ebola, and they were nurses caring for an Ebola patient. So unless you’re working at Emory Hospital right now, I’m pretty sure you’re fine. So now you can all go back to worrying about all the bad things that are more likely to actually happen to you, like cracking your iPhone screen.
Oh, but maybe like cancel your upcoming vaca to West Africa.