January 9, 2015
‘Girls’ is coming back this Sunday, and it’s about damn time. Finishing season three last spring only to face the cold, hard truth that we would have to wait until January for season four is more than a girl can bear. I could’ve, like, had a baby in that time (gross). What’s even worse is that season three ends with so many unresolved issues, not that anyone would remember them because it’s been nine fucking months. Thanks a lot, Lena.
So whether you finished season three in March and are having trouble remembering anything (Hannah who?) or you HBO GO’ed the shit out of it and are just needing a quick refresher, here’s your season three recap…
This season was full of highs and lows. Actually, just a shit ton of lows. Episodes take place at funerals, rehab facilities and hospitals. Adam’s sister (and her enormous bush) shows up and causes all sorts of problems (including shacking up with and getting impregnated by the downstairs neighbor, Laird). Adam gets a part in a play and…well, that’s about it for him. The biggest high this season (other than Jessa’s relapse into drugs) is the return of Elijah. He and his posse of friends bring a rainbow of color to an otherwise dark and depressing season. So, let’s break it down…
Jessa starts off in rehab and is pissing everyone off per usual. She gets kicked out for “fraternizing” (aka having a lesbian encounter with Taystee from Orange is the New Black), and things only get worse for her once she’s out. She finds out one of her friends faked her death just to get away from her, her old rehab boyfriend, Jasper (gross British guy who looks like a leathery baby), comes back and they’re basically high all the time until Shoshanna gets Jasper’s daughter to convince him to leave her.
Then she gets a job working for some weird old lady who asks her to help her commit suicide, but then changes her mind once she’s already swallowed the pills. So, her life is basically a shit show, yet amazingly she still has the face of a Dior model and the wisdom of Dumbledore. Her best quote this season? “You can’t make things that mean nothing, mean something.” Preach it, sister.
Marnie and Charlie broke up. Again. Like no one saw that one coming. Anyway, she attempts to take control of her life by getting a new apartment and trying to take down her music video that Charlie put on YouTube (hilarious). She plans Hannah’s birthday party which backfires when she forces Hannah into doing a karaoke duet to a Rent song.
She quits her job at Grumpy’s, but still goes to see Ray for advice. This is when things get weird. She and Ray HOOK UP, like for real. Pretty sure Ray makes Adam look like Channing Tatum. Gross. But evidently she’s kind of into it because it goes on for a while. Ray eventually tells her he’s over it, and her response is on point: “I wouldn’t be eating pizza in front of you if I actually liked you.”
Then she starts singing with this guy, Desi, and they’re not terrible. Desi kisses her at one point, but then she meets his girlfriend, Clementine (she obvi sucks with a name like that), so I guess that’s on hold for now.
Shoshanna is pretty true to form throughout most of the season, and then, out of nowhere, it happens. When the four girls are all at the beach house, Shoshanna loses her shit and goes off on all of them: “Sometimes I wonder if my social anxiety is holding me back from meeting the people who would be actually right for me instead of a bunch of fucking whiny nothings as friends.” Whoa. That escalated quickly.
It’s too bad for her though, because once she finally gets her voice, shit hits the fan. She finds out she can’t graduate AND that Marnie and Ray have been hooking up. Then she begs Ray to take her back, which he doesn’t. Poor Shosh.
Hannah is ALL over the place this season. She starts out pretty stable: her period of mental illness seems to be over with, her relationship with Adam seems solid and she semi has her shit together (book deal, boyfriend, birthday party, etc). But then her book editor dies and she seems to be more upset that her eBook is dead than her editor. Then she gets a job at GQ with free snacks, but apparently she feels like she’s selling her soul or some shit and then purposely gets herself fired.
Adam is starting to be distant (fucking duh – she’s totally acting cray), so then she decides to spice things up and show up at a bar wearing a blonde wig in a hilarious attempt at role-play. Adam isn’t into it, and he tells her he’s moving in with Ray. Things start to turn around for her (but not for long) when she receives an acceptance letter for a writer’s workshop in Iowa (wtf, Iowa?!), and she tells Adam right before he goes on stage for opening night. Bad move, Hannah.
He blames her for his bad performance after the show and storms off. There’s one episode where Hannah’s grandma is dying that I think Lena Dunham meant to be really meaningful, but it was pretty boring. Hannah’s storyline this season wasn’t the most memorable, but she does, however, leave us with this unforgettable, betch-worthy statement: “It’s really liberating to say no to shit you hate.” We’re with you on that, Hannah.