July 14, 2014
Although it is the most widely watched sports event in the world, Betches aren’t exactly the biggest fans of soccer, and usually are “soooo busy” anyway. So we compiled a list of just what you need to know happened during the 2014 FIFA World Cup Finals.
Who the fuck even does this? Luis Suarez has bitten not one, not two, but three different opponents in an attempt to stop them. After getting his appeal rejected by FIFA, he finally apologized and announced his vow to never bite anyone ever again. He will be banned from club football for a while, and had to leave Brazil in shame. Though we’re not sure he felt the shame part.
More specifically, Tim Howard. Somehow, we escaped the Group of Death (probably because of Tim Howard) and managed to face Belgium. Had it not been for Tim Howard, we would all literally be dead. Tim Howard made 16 saves during that game, which is more than in any World Cup game since 1966. America (Tim Howard) broke all kinds of records this year.
There are like riots down there right now. They lost 7-1 to Germany. To put it in perspective, here are some records that were broken during that game:
This betch (Axelle Despiegelaere) was caught on camera at the World Cup, cheering on Belgium. And then, somehow, she got a contract with L’Oreal. Which is pretty betchy, I mean, like stand there, get your pictures taken, get money. We should really look up to her. Except, she got her contract terminated because she posted a picture of her next to an Oryx she killed. Like, we don’t even know what an Oryx is, but it definitely sounds endangered. Leave hunting to daddy.
Some people just know him from his YouTube channel where he often shoots himself picking up betches with his Lamborghini. Others might have heard of him when he got a lot of publicity for being arrested while pretending to rob an ATM. This time, he’s tried to top it by running across the field half naked with “Natural Born Prankster” painted across his chest during the championship game. He tried to kiss Hoewedes from Germany. He was swiftly carried away by security.