December 17, 2012
If the iPhone is the gateway to a betch's soul, then the outer shell which protects it is practically as sacred as the gates of fucking
Every betch knows that her iPhone case needs to be original, but more importantly, elite and expensive. For example, did the Pope commission Van Gogh, a bro who couldn't color inside the lines to save his fucking life, to do the Vatican? No, he called in Michelangelo, a pro who knew how to paint a good eyebrow to make sure that shit was perfect and worth a betch's time when she #6 muploads it while #3 abroad. Similarly, betches don’t mind spending any dollar amount on the right iPhone case and have been known to gravitate towards Jagger Edge or Dannijo cases. It goes without saying that if you ordered your case from Ebay or a site run by the prime minister of Malaysia you're probably Asian or like, poor.
Betches accessorize their phones the same way they accessorize themselves: chic as fuck. This leads us to designer iPhone cases made most popular by Marc Jacobs, Kate Spade, and Rebecca Minkoff. Betches love designer iPhone cases, but have to make sure that their case’s designer doesn’t clash with their outfit’s designer(s). For example, it is really unbetchy to rock your Céline Trapeze bag with a Kate Spade polka dot case. Ew. That’s just confusing to all of us and you might as well just go rogue and have no case at all.
Aside from expense, everyone knows a shitty iPhone case can give the wrong impression. Your case should be an outward extension of your innate fuck-off vibe. We all wanted that spider web-looking case that Serena Van Der Woodsen made popular on Gossip Girl until we saw on that foreign dude's phone on Dexter and were immediately #82 over it. We mostly love the slimness of a case, which really is a key component of choosing the case (slim leg, slim case). Bottom line: it's important to quickly be able to identify our phone by touch when digging blindly (or blackout) into our bags, the second we hear the infamous Marimba.
A true betch has a pool of iPhone cases to choose from based on outfit, manicure, and much like George Costanza, based on mood. Besides, these cases also act as back-ups, because we can’t be expected to prevent the thing that prevents our phone from breaking from breaking. Honestly, so meta.
Finally, betches hate cumbersome iPhone cases because wtf is that about. I don’t want to carry around a fucking brick in my purse, nor do I want to hold one to my ear. Sure you may have that extra battery case which gives you more time to text on a higher brightness when you're out till 6am, but aesthetics always come first. So you can take your Otterbox or whatever fugly construction-worker case you chose, and make like the aforementioned Van Gogh and chop that shit the fuck off.