September 18, 2012
Whether you consider yourself a psychotic marathon betch or the lazy fucker who has decided to channel her inner zen Buddah before bi-annual yoga, there's one thing every betch who's ever crossed an elliptical has in common. No, it's not just our refusal to sweat in the absence of eucalyptus towels and bottled water. Instead it’s the only force more inspiring and powerful than our $350 per hour personal trainer: our workout clothes.
We've long established that betches love to #42 dress like sluts, but no activity makes it so blatantly acceptable as #118 working out. Without this skintight bodysuit, my headphones may risk getting tangled up in my Nike bike shorts! Besides, how else will everyone know how effective your workouts are if you're showcasing it underneath baggy man sweats? Walking around in your slutty gym outfit screams, I'm a #5 skinny betch who just finished working out or maybe I'm on the way to spin or maybe I'm skipping it today and I'm just wearing this because there's like a 5% chance I might go but either way I want there to be 0 confusion that I'm like sooo hard core.
When it comes to sneakers, neon is the answer. (Unless you're spinning and need to wear special shoes which is a wholeeee other world.) Not because neon is bright and trendy and reminds us how much we wish we were burning calories by rolling face instead of half-assing it on a stationary bike, but because neon is difficult to match with our various outfits. Obviously this means you'll need to acquire a multi-colored collection of sneakers, as every true betch knows that wearing a mismatching gym outfit is a clearer sign than knockoff Chanel earrings that you’re fucking poor.
Speaking of poor, each workout outfit should cost no less than a one-month membership to Equinox. Whoever said it was okay to sweat in a sports bra that costs less than $50 was seriously disturbed. If your girls can’t breathe, you won’t be able to either.
Lululemon and Stella McCartney’s Adidas collection teach us that just because you have the ability to sweat like a construction worker in the summer, it doesn’t mean you should ever look like one. Expensive workout clothes allow us to push fashion boundaries. For barre classes, Lulu leggings and a lightweight tank top allow you to channel your inner anorexic Natalie Portman and pretend you’re doing real ballet. The only time it's okay to wear leggings as pants is in context of working out, and if you wear a skort at any point other than a tennis match you might as well spend that money seeing Wanda Sykes perform live.
To those who think it's acceptable to go for a run while donning an old t-shirt (from like a charity run or worse, a former job) and thrice rolled soffee shorts, you should get your head checked and here's why:
Every betch needs an array of workout outfits for every day of the week. Some may say this is excessive. We say those people are too fat for Lululemon. I mean, we have specific outfits for all our other activities like #21 clubbing, #161 drunk brunch, #15 tailgating, and #170 napping, so in a fair and just world, our #118 workouts clearly deserve the same stylish attention. It's civil rights, this is the 90s.
So for those of you who thought working out was a retreat from the harsh world of fashion judgment, you can go back to adjusting your cheap Forever 21 leggings-induced camel toe. Expensive workout clothes show that if you don’t want to look poor you better pretend to be hardcore. Fuck Wheaties, even McKayla Maroney knows that a barre class, a $52 turbo tank and a bottle of smart water is the real breakfast of champions.