January 20, 2015
We’ve already touted our praise for #181 juice cleanses, and now we turn our attention to another type of cleanse - the Facebook cleanse. Given how popular we are wherever we go, betches accumulate a lot of Facebook friends over the years. Sometimes, due to unforeseen circumstances like babies and racist weirdos, we’re forced to do some housekeeping to keep our newsfeed up to betch standards.
There’s two types of people when it comes to purging your friends list. One is the type that nips and prunes as they go - defriending people’s who’s birthdays you no longer care about or people that post one too many couple selfies. The other is the type that dramatically spring cleans every year or so. Since we as betches tend to be extremely busy and since the majority of the time we’re on Facebook is on our phones, most of our cleansing happens in one fell swoop aka the latter option.
Generally speaking, it’s unbetchy to announce a cleanse. Posting a status like “No longer letting toxic people in my life affect me, cleaning up my Facebook friends list and only keeping THOSE THAT MATTER” may sound like a good idea if you’re a homeschooled freak, but um, it’s not. Besides, anyone who can see that status is still your friend, aka your message is getting lost in translation. Also unbetchy is announcing you’ve axed your friends list after the fact. And, to be quite frank, a status like “just cleaned my friends list, you made it!” is just a Facebook friend asking to be unfriended. Excuse me, did you just judge me? I’m judging you for that.
There must be some connection with de-friending people and feeling better about your mistakes, because cleansing your friends list makes you regret your past less and less.
People to unfriend include freshman year floormates you have to ask “who is that?” every time they pop up on your feed, your ex's ex-girlfriend you randomly added drunk, anyone with a baby or an album of couple selfies.
You may be tempted to unfriend certain people such as your most recent ex or your dad, but before you do, just ask yourself whether you’ll need something from them one day. Cutting off contact with an ex is always recommended, but it’s more advisable to keep them on your list than unfriending just to request them again a few weeks later. Not a good look. If you’re really sick of seeing them online, try hiding their shit or de-activating for a few weeks yourself. Also, limited profile was invented for a reason. Defriend wisely.
Say you end up defriending Michelle who you always thought was annoying, but then you find out you’re going to Chicago and she’s like the mayor’s wife or something, you can recover from this. Message her as if you didn’t gag at her yoga inspired engagement photos with “Hey I got a new FB and glad I found you!” and proceed to let her know you want to catch up and casually ask if she has like, any recommendations for places to visit while you’re there. I mean, why would you lie about defriending someone? This is why you don’t announce your cleanses when they happen.
We can’t help it that we’re so popular, and sometimes we get weirded out when our feed is full of randos. So therefore Facebook cleanses are wholly necessary part of a betch’s social media upkeep. Just like we don't want to go to a club unless it's got a tight door policy, we don't want to just let anyone on our friends list. If friends lists were like clubs, ours would be so exclusive you've probably never heard of it. And, there's nothing betchier than purging, even if it's just friends.