May 1, 2014
This Throwback Thursday it’s time to pay tribute to one of our favorite old Facebook features that we’re actually pretty glad has gone away: poking.
Before Tinder, Grindr, or even the acronym “DTF,” there was Facebook poking. How did a bro subtly blatantly obviously let you know he wanted to poke you with his dick? He’d poke you on Facebook.
I can totally imagine that convo with Mark Zuckerberg and his cronies going down just like that scene in The Social Network where Jesse Eisenberg had the brill idea to put relationship status on everyone’s profile.
M. Zucks: This is what drives life in high school: are you having sex, or aren’t you? It’s why people take certain classes, they sit where they sit, and do what they do…that’s what Facebook is gonna be about. Cause after they log on there’s a chance they’re gonna—
Spider Man: Get laid.
M. Zucks: I was gonna say, annoy the fuck out of a girl until she finally agrees to watch a movie with you, but yes.
Whoever said Mark Zuckerberg wasn’t a visionary was seriously disturbed.
Once this feature was introduced, bros started coming out of the woodwork to poke you. Like, chill out Zach, I lent you my pencil one time like last semester, can you cool it on the poke button? Is there a limit to the amount of pokes one person can get, or does the limit not exist? This presented a whole new set of problems: proper poking etiquette. If I poke this guy back he’s gonna think I want to make out with him…but if I don’t poke him, he’s going to continue to poke me until I poke him back but then he’s gonna think I want to make out with him…ughhh!!!!!
The worst part was, even when a bro’s thirst-poking had reached the point of no return, you couldn’t unfriend him because, much to every predator’s dream, you could still poke people you weren’t friends with. Maybe you could just block pokes from certain people, I don’t remember, I’m not a fucking elephant. Besides, there were way more exciting things going on back then than some annoying finger icon on the top right of my Facebook page, like Confessions: Part II.
However, it would be a lie to claim that horny guys were the only people betches got poked by. Poking also helped us keep in touch with people we didn’t always talk to on the day to day, like our camp friends. Nothing says “I’m thinking of you” like a useless notification that you’re now obligated to respond to or else you look like a bitch.
The final thing poking was good for was in fights with our besties. Like, when Emma was suuuuuper pissed at you because you danced with Chris at homecoming and like, you knew she’d liked Chris since the 6th grade and so started ignoring you, the poke was always there to bridge that awkward communication gap and be like, “Hey Emma, I still exist, quit ignoring me now, it’s getting annoying since we literally sit together in Math and I have no one to talk shit with about Mr. Amelio’s colossal pit stains.”
So thank you, Facebook poking, for being there for us until we moved onto bigger and better things, like group texts and the Motorola Razr. TG we were too young for drunk poking since we were like 14 and not Drew Barrymore.
Update: I have just been informed that Facebook poking is apparently still a thing, which is almost as weird as the time I saw Pharrell on a commercial for Myspace music. Like yeah it still exists but just because something is still around doesn’t mean you should pay attention to it. If you can ignore Nickelback, you can ignore Facebok poking.