February 19, 2014
It’s Wednesday and you’re scrolling through your news feed realizing this is the worst day of the week for social media.
Emily’s Bahama pics …. lame
#wcw of Jennifer Lawrence … saw it on insta
Inspirational song lyric… gag me with a spoon
Then suddenly, out of nowhere, comes a status that is more dramatic than a Scandal monologue and about as fucked up as the time you got kicked out of the bar. I was not that drunk. Those stairs were, like, slippery! Betches, it’s time for the Facebook Train Wreck. Grab your phone, text your bestie, and forget all the #36 work you weren’t going to do this afternoon because shit just got interesting.
So who is the FBTW? 9 times out of 10 she’s some girl from your high school you were never actually friends with. The last time you saw her was probably in your freshman year geometry class when she was a sexually active band geek or one of those girls who ate their feelings.
But now this person has a kid, baby-daddy drama, or at the very least, mental problems and an addiction to Vicodin that makes them post really crazy shit. Unlike betches who use Facebook as a way to post originally titled photo albums like “Forever Young” and “SB 2013”, the FBTW uses it as her own personal platform to share wayyyy to much info about her life. Whenever you see a post like “9 cm dilated and ready to go!” or an illegible mess involving the phrase “fuck all you regular hoes”, that’s the work of the FBTW and it is fucking hilarious.
*Sidenote: the more povo your hometown is, the more of these you’ll have. Just like wife beaters and rapists, most FBTWs are public school educated. Sorry, no offense but it’s true.
Best of all, not only do FBTWs provide great #1 shit talking material, they also serve as really good examples to bring up when your parents confront you about your lack of life direction or when your mom asks about the faint weed smell in your apartment. “Calm down, Mom. I could have a CHILD! YOU are so lucky!”
Unfortunately, since all good things come to an end, there will come a day when the FBTW stops posting. They’ll get their shit together or, you know, won’t have access to the internet while they’re in jail/rehab.
So, betches, make sure you’ve saved those screen shots you sent to all your friends. If anything they’ll make you feel better about some of your #13 Sunday morning regrets, or at least make great inside joke material.