July 9, 2014
Every betch should enjoy their early 20s by going out and having sex with every attractive bro they find. But at some point, daddy might take away his credit card and your trust fund might run dry from your monthly visits to Exuma and weekly visits to the plastic surgeon. In order to prevent such a tragedy from happening, a betch has to settle down with a pro, who preferably is an investment banker.
But there also comes a time when you have to dump your attractive boyfriend who pays for all of your shit. Here are the top five reasons:
While part of the reason for a betch to become monogamous with a pro is that she wants to get away from hooking up with immature, Bud Light drinking frat bros, a betch needs excitement in her life. A pro isn’t just a boring bro. A pro is a bro who decided some time during or after his college years that, in order to continue being a fun-loving bro, he has to make money and give it to his girlfriend. If your boyfriend decides not to pay for your plane ticket for an impromptu girls’ weekend getaway on a Caribbean cruise because of some “month-long plans” to meet his parents, dump him. Right there and then.
We’re not even sure how a betch would meet a pro that’s religious, considering you really only meet guys while schwasted in a bar or some other sinful place, but if you happen to somehow find yourself in a relationship with a pro that has to go to confession after every time you have sex, you need to get rid of that shit.
This is a big no no. Sure, you’re monogamous and only cheat on your boyfriend when you’re super drunk, but if he talks about marriage only 6 weeks into your relationship, you’ve got a problem. If he starts texting you every hour and wants to know everything about your life, it means he’s not doing his job and making money for you to spend.
Obv betches wouldn’t even start a relationship with someone poor, but shit happens in life. Your boyfriend might lose his job at Goldman or something. And really, why did you settle down in the first place? To continue your lavish spending on someone else’s dime. So if he can’t support your wine and Hermes addiction, he becomes pointless.
Do we even need to explain this? What do you when a new iPhone comes out? You donate your iPhone 5 to some poor nice girl you used know in high school so you can humble brag about how charitable you are and go to the nearest Apple store to pick up your iPhone 5s. It’s the same concept. If you were dating a Darmouth grad who works at Morgan Stanley and you run across a Harvard grad who works at JP Morgan, you know what to do.