March 31, 2014
We get it, you’re on a new “healthy living” kick, despite the fact that you don’t need to lose 3 pounds because omg you’re so skinny. Unless you’re on The Biggest Loser I really don’t need a daily play-by-play of your “progress” and 56 muploads of the protein bars you’re consuming pre-workout which, btw, have at least as many calories as an actual meal.
How will I ever limit my hashtags to 600!?
Don’t get me wrong, I’m totally proud of you for successfully cooking “butternut squash lasagna—just the way mom makes it” because you’re a big step ahead of me in the cooking game and I’m obv coming over for dinner. But why do you have to hashtag every single ingredient? Why not just post the recipe? Honestly, is there actually a person on Facebook who is searching under #ricotta #buttnernutsquash #spinach? Honestly? And once you start hashtagging those ingredients, why stop there? Why not #lycopene #highfructosecornsyrup #thecowthatmadethemilkthatbecamethecheese?
You might consider it “therapeutic” to post “Got fucked over AGAIN this is why you can’t trust men, they say one thing but do the complete opposite well guess what I am DONE with you!” But like…what’s the best case scenario here? That status gets a total of 3 likes, and your friends who pity you comment, “You go girl! You don’t need him!” and “girl power!”? You think you’re being “clever” and “subtle” but literally everyone knows you’re mad Tim took Jessica to Phi Delt’s date party instead of you. That jealousy/desperation combo isn’t a good look on anyone. Get a fucking diary, or a Wordpress.
In real life you could be a gay rights activist who adopts disabled puppies in her spare time, but the second you post a Bible verse you’ve basically become Sally Langston in my mind. I feel alienated and targeted and my defenses are going up quicker than a new freshman dorm on a private university campus. I see what you’re trying to do and I will not be converted, so back the fuck up with your religious propaganda.
Unless your mom had a great autocorrect fuck-up or your bestie said something hilarious and it’s actually hilarious to people who weren’t wasted at iHop with you at 3 in the morning when the original joke transpired, literally no one is going to a) understand what the fuck is going on or b) give a shit. Comedy 101: It's not a funny joke if you’re the only one laughing.
Until we get our own E! Inside Hollywood story, social media is the only way people can get an exclusive behind-the-scenes look into the life of a betch. At the same time you are posting your shit expressly so other people will look at it so you’ve got to be conscious of the image you’re projecting. If you keep up the annoying shit you'll become the girl people keep on their news feeds just so they can talk shit about her during the pregame. No one wants to be the Meg Griffin of their friend group so shut that shit down.