April 28, 2015
Recent studies show that one out of every five women will experience a condition called Flirt Term Memory Loss (FTML) at some point in their lifetime. FTML occurs when a girl aggressively flirts with a slightly less attractive guy, and then minutes later, is “shocked” and offended when he reciprocates in the slightest. In almost all cases, this will also lead to the victim feeling the need to endlessly complain about the situation as if entirely unprovoked, even though we all watched her strike up that conversation with that dude with the chinstrap.
Researchers have observed that a majority of FTML cases originate at bar counters, frat houses or near any large source of alcohol. Early onset of the disorder occurs when the subject, usually severely overdressed, starts hovering near unappealing guys that can help her achieve a variety of goals. She’ll catch their attention through shameless flirting techniques like giggling at stupid shit they say or sidling up next to them, and then proceed to become increasingly more interested in everything they say and do. If friends question the flirty vibes she’s sending out, she’ll do at least 2 out of the following 3 things: shrug, make a duck face, and say in a hushed voice, “whatever free drinks!”
This is an important finding that all scientists seem to agree upon: female FTML victims are almost always irrationally obsessed with free drinks. Like literally it’s a $7 vodka soda that anyone can buy, not an ounce of solid gold, is it really worth 15 minutes of you essentially begging for it like a homeless person? Anyway...
Once the afflicted has said free drink(s) in hand, FTML becomes extremely crippling. The guy who she’s been solely talking to for the last 10 songs will (somehow) get the idea that she’s interested in him, and attempt to make a move. At this point, all previous flirtation on behalf of the girl will be forgotten and she’s outraged that this guy (he’s not even that cute!) is hitting on her.
She’ll usually turn to her friends and in a combination of flattery and disgust say something like, “Ummm guys. This dude is literally creeping on me!” Everyone is painfully aware that the creeping has been mutual, but the victim is usually so satisfied and attempting to brag about the fact that this 3 won’t leave her alone that there’s really not much to say.
The trauma doesn’t end there. In serious cases of FTML, the effects can last for entire evenings and even weeks. A full hour after the initial flirting she’ll interrupt a conversation for no reason but to say “OMG. Do you guys see him STARING at me?” Meanwhile, just seconds before, she had been grilling him across the room for 45 minutes. Tragically, she’s incapable of retaining this memory and is completely alarmed that these guys are so interested in her out of nowhere.
If phone numbers are exchanged, conditions will continue to worsen. Even with her own messages as physical evidence of her prodding, she’ll still fail to acknowledge that “Heyyyy” text she sent to him at 2 AM on Saturday night. Then on Monday morning, she’ll cause an enormous scene saying “Ughh I can’t believe that guy texted me!” as if he is stalking her. This unconscious state of flirtation, totally abandoned by the brain moments after it occurs, continues to puzzle leading experts in the field.
While not believed to be fatal, FTML is known to produce uncomfortable, long-lasting side effects including rejected formal offers, terrible dates and hours upon hours of bitching to friends about how these guys “won’t leave her aloneee ugh!!” As of now, there is no treatment for FTML aside from not being a desperate tryhard.
(Note: As far as its prevalence among bros, scientists are still figuring this out. Most speculate that straight men are in a perpetual state of FTML, thereby making research difficult at this point.)