Dear Betch, Should I Forgive My Cheating BF?

Dear Betch,

I'm a firm believer in the notion that if you have to ask for advice on something, you already know the answer, it’s just not the answer you want. Writing to you with the hopes that you'll say I should try to work through my relationship (Beyoncé did it!), but the understanding that that’s probably not what I'm going to hear (and we can't all be Beyoncé).

I'm in college and have been with this guy for a while now. Things were pretty rocky at the start and we broke up for a couple months while he went to rehab/figured out some personal shit. Recently, we got back together and things were going really great until last night when he fucked someone else. When we talked about it this morning he said that he was sorry, that he always sabotages everything good in his life and that I deserve a lot better. He's always been really insecure in our relationship because we're in really different places in our lives and I think he might just have bad self esteem in general. I want to work through this and I feel like he's pushing me away in order to test how much I care about him or daring me to give up on him. But is that delusional? Is this just a line or an easy way to end things without having to be accountable? I believe him when he says he cares about me, but I don’t understand how he could hurt me like this if he actually loved me. Is there any way I can stay with him that’s not pathetic? I really love him, but at the same time, this was already his second chance and I don’t want to be in a relationship with him if it's going to be like this.

hmu with the solutions
Sad girl 2k16

Dear Woman Scorned,

First of all, you gotta lose “Beyoncé did it” as a justification for anything you do. I feel like maybe “Hillary did it” is a more accurate representation of your situation. People DO take back cheaters, but IMO it all depends on the circumstances in which you found out he cheated. Did he confess to you right away (this part’s super important), was it a one-time mistake, did he try to blame you for it or justify his behavior in any way, did he immediately offer to go to therapy/do whatever he needs to do to work on himself? If the answers to those questions are yes, yes, no, yes, respectively, then MAYBE it’s worth trying to work through things—but only if he’s going to offer complete transparency until you can build the trust back (and not bitch at you for not trusting him). I personally wouldn't do it, but not everyone is me. However, if any of the following things happened, absolutely drop this dude and don’t look back:

  • You found out about the cheating independently (either via snooping, contact from the other woman, etc.)
  • This was an ongoing affair
  • He’s blaming you for his mistake (i.e., "if you showed me more attention I wouldn’t have cheated")
  • He only reluctantly confessed when presented with evidence or after a lot of prodding from your part, aka when he got cornered

FWIW, you already said this was his second chance, so I feel like this dude’s just going to continue to treat you like shit because he knows he can get away with it. Not to mention, rehab?? No thanks. So you’re telling me you’re dating a drug addict who cheated on you? If your friends were dating a cheating drug addict, what would you tell them? If you would tell them anything except, “Girl, quit dating such a loser and go find your long-lost self respect,” then you aren’t a good friend.

Please just get rid of this dude,

The Betches

Got a fucked-up problem only The Betches can solve? Email us your quandaries to [email protected] and you just might get a response. For more dating advice, buy our second book, I Had A Nice Time And Other Lies, out now.

Dear Betch,

I’ve been pretty good friends with this guy at work for a while and we hang out all the time.  We started hooking up about a week ago and the sex is fucking awesome. I know I don’t want a relationship or anything because I have too many important things to think about but here is where it gets complicated: he has a long distance girlfriend. We both want him and his gf to stay together, but we also both have needs and are pretty clear about no feelings getting involved.  I just feel pretty awful about it sometimes but then I’m like “hey, you deserve to have a good fucking time”. I still see other people but I can’t just put out for anyone who pays for my sushi dinner so it’s great having a fwb.  Should I give into the guilt and cut things off with him?

Do pearls say slutty bitch, or rich ho?

Dear Becky,

Yeah, as we’ve established multiple times, it is always, without exception, shitty to hook up with someone who’s taken. What makes this situation especially shitty is that you two “decided” that you want him to stay with his girlfriend. Like, how generous of you. No one’s saying LDRs aren’t hard, but if this guy really needs his needs to be met, it means breaking up with his gf, not cheating on her, for fuck’s sake. And as for you, I KNOW you can find some unattached dick somewhere. Also, you “can’t just put out for anyone who pays for your sushi dinner” but you CAN put out for someone who is supposed to be in a committed relationship? Reevaluate your life, reevaluate your choices. 

Girl bye,

The Betches

Got a fucked-up problem only The Betches can solve? Email us your quandaries to [email protected] and you just might get a response. For more dating advice, buy our second book, I Had A Nice Time And Other Lies, out now.




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