188. The Former Fat Bro

By The Betches

November 14, 2012

Leo: You shouldn’t have lost all that weight man. There’s nothing funny about a physically fit man.
Ira: I know, it’s lame right?
Leo: Yeah, no one wants to watch Lance Armstrong do comedy.

- Funny People

You used to be able to spot him from a mile away, but not anymore. He’s the bro who won’t go swimming on spring break so as to avoid the shirt on/shirt off/dangling excess skin dilemma. He’ll be the guy drinking a white wine spritzer at a tailgate. He won’t hesitate to verbally assault his mother for suggesting he skip the gym on Christmas Eve. He is the Former Fat Bro and he has more issues with body image than Jessica Simpson.

If a guy is a true fat "bro" and not just a regular fat invisible person, it's most likely because he's either extremely rich and pays for all his friends' shit, or he's fucking hilarious, but probably both. The most important thing to understand with fat bros is that the tire around their stomach is where they store their sense of humor and once they lose weight their personality usually goes from technical to nonexistent, only to be replaced with a severe workout complex, obsession with food, and a state of the art bathroom scale.

There are two notable types of FFB, so let’s break them down.

The first is the bro who shed his chub years ago, likely around puberty or the start of high school when he decided to start rowing crew or having sex. In college, despite the fact that most of his frat bros didn’t even know him during his former fatty existence, it still heavily influences his worldview. It comes through in little ways like when he casually punches his friend in the face for jokingly calling him a fatass after putting almonds in his salad.

The second and more poignant FFB is he who goes from fat to thin right before your very eyes, most likely over the summer. As we all know, every group of bros has the one fatass who is not only abhorrent to females physically but also, because they would never dream of fucking him, he is horribly offensive to them. The rest of the bros use his mere existence to elevate their comparative desirability. He is rude and obnoxious but chances are he’s equally hilarious and could outdrink the entire Lohan family combined... in other words, a real catch.

So, what happens when the group’s designated fat fuck decides losing his virginity before he turns 25 is something he might be interested in? More often than not, along with the 100 + pounds, the FFB will also shed most of his personality. He will switch from beer to wine (which is obviously the start of the problem), and of course he’ll stop smoking weed to avoid munchies and have the energy to go to the gym hot yoga. He will leave behind all of the rowdy behaviors that made him so much fun to party with and pretty soon he will give up partying all together in exchange for an ugly girlfriend with whom he stays in and dines on fat-free parfaits. Should we split one!?

By the time the transition is complete, the FFB will be unrecognizable both physically and emotionally, and within no time he could disappear completely. Literally. So if the fat bro in your guy friend group is still with you, consider yourself blessed. And if at any point you sense him wanting to make life changes or see him skip a day party because he “drank last night” you should immediately start feeding him Kalteen bars. Friends don’t let fat friends lose weight.

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