Fourth Grade Girl Clique Plotted To Murder Their Teacher

By Queen Elizabetch

Some fourth grade girls fucking hate their teacher, so they decided they should murder her. For real, they got together after school and while they drank capri suns and practiced long division, they realized that learning about the digestive system would be less shitty if their teacher was dead. This Pretty Little Liars meets Mean Girls meets Law and Order clique knew that their teacher was super allergic to Purell, so they planned to put it on things their teacher would touch during the day. This is some really fucked up shit, because it would totally look like an accident.

I can hear the police report on the shitty local news now: It's no one's fault really, we have to keep hand sanitizer in the classrooms during cold season. It's just a shame Ms. Nice Girl didn't take better precautions.

I'm low-key impressed by these 9 year old girls though and they kind of remind me of a younger version of Georginia Sparks. Like if this is the plan they made before hitting puberty, sophomore year homecoming is going to be a bloodbath. Even more brilliantly, they can't get in trouble because they hadn't actually done anything by the time their principal caught them. "Plotting" is not technically a crime in juvenile courts, so they just got to go back to class like nothing had even happened. The teacher must be so fucking terrified to do anything now - but what if that was the plan all along?? What if the long run con was to get caught so the teacher would know what the girls were capable of and know her place in the elementary school hierarchy?? The CW needs to start developing a TV show about this ASAP - kind of like a Gossip Girl and Dexter mash-up.




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