The Betches' Guide to the Friend Zone

By Sgt. Olivia Betchson

I see this term getting thrown around constantly, in countless blog posts (including this one, ha), hashtags galore, apparently there’s even an MTV show in Australia called “Friend Zone.” Literally everyone and their mom goes around all the time like, “Ugh, I just got friend zoned” and I think I’m the only person on Earth who thinks this term is total, utter bullshit.

In the hopes that there are like-minded individuals out there I’m going to take a minute to explain why I think this term is dumb, so that I can maybe prove to you all that I’m not taking crazy pills.

The Definition:

“A state of being where a male inadvertently becomes a 'platonic friend' of an attractive female who he was trying to intitate a romantic relationship. Females have been rumored to arrive in the Friend Zone, but reports are unsubstantiated*.”

Betches: 1 Bros: 0

Used in a sentence:

“Friend zone? Man, you don't wish that shit on your WORST enemies! Thats fucked up yo.”

"I spent all that money on a date, just to find out she put me in the Friend Zone."

Urban Dictionary, always pulling through in the clutch.

The Facts:

- Unrequited love has existed since like the dawn of time, and the “friend zone” is a recent phenomenon.

- The term “friend zone” is used pretty much exclusively by the party who got rejected. To the party who is doing the rejected the phenomenon is known as "that guy I had no desire to fuck." 


The “Friend Zone” isn’t real. Like yes, it’s obviously a real term that people use since I’m writing about it, but aside from that it’s just this bullshit construction people created because they were mad, bro. Ever notice how you only say that you “got friend zoned” and not that you “friend zoned” someone? That’s because no one ever sets out like, “Aw yeah totally gonna friend zone this bro.” It’s just, you met him, maybe you went on a date, but you weren’t into him. Like maybe you enjoyed his personality enough or you guys have so many mutual friends that you want to stay friends, but the spark wasn’t there for you. You know who’s applying the label “friend zone” to describe this situation? That’s right, the guy is, because he’s pissed you won’t fuck him but have the audacity to act friendly towards him even though you have no intention of jumping on that dick and doing a full split. In girl world we have a term for this, and it's called "He's Just Not That Into You."

The Friend Zone is obviously just a way for slimy ass bros to try to shame betches for not sleeping with them. Like instead of being all, “I got rejected, sucks to suck,” they can just pull a “Man this bitch just friend zoned me what a ho amirite fellas?!” and boom! The responsibility gets shifted from them onto you. Think about it: no one ever uses the term “friend zone” positively. Now the precise numbers haven’t come in but I’d wager that “friend zone” and “bitch/ho/cunt/slut” occur in the same sentence, 60% of the time, every time.

Just look at those examples of friend zone used above if you’re not convinced. Not once was anyone like “oh yeah x friend zoned me but I totally understand, it’s not meant to be.” No! Even Urban Dictionary recognizes that anyone who uses the term “friend zone” is bitter AF and only using this term to put down the person who did the rejecting. It’s not anyone's fucking obligation to want to sleep with you. So what if you spent money on a date? That’s literally the point of dating, to go out with someone and see if you want to hook up!

Not to mention you’re acting as if wanting a friendship is literally the worst possible thing that can ever happen to a guy. It’s not like she said she wanted to cut your balls off, just that she wanted to be platonic. If that’s really that bad, you must be an asshole.

There’s a reason unrequited love has existed for centuries but the friend zone is a recent thing and that’s because nowadays everyone thinks they’re a special fucking unicorn that every member of the opposite sex (or whatever sex you’re attracted to) automatically wants to bang. Like we think we’re sooo desirable now that it’s impossible for anyone to flat-out reject us. No, she can’t not be into me, she just doesn’t recognize my potential yet, she’s putting me in the friend zone for the time being. Unless you live in a shitty Katherine Heigl movie no one “suddenly” realizes after years of friendship that you and someone you never looked twice at are perfect for each other, fucking sack up and admit that she’s not into you and it’s onto the next one, instead of placing yourself in some imaginary “zone” you’ve deluded yourself into believing you can get out of.

The bottom line is, you can’t just go around blaming everything that you personally find offensive or upsetting on some made-up infrastructure. Just because you’re butt hurt over something you perceive as a very real and systemic issue doesn’t make it a real thing. If that were the case, “reverse racism” would be real. Like just because white people are mad that other races (read: everyone) like to point out the white man’s inability to dance doesn’t mean anyone can actually be a reverse racist, and just because you’re mad I had the nerve to hang out with you and politely declined your invitation to Pound Town doesn’t mean I “friend zoned” you.




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