Is It Normal For My Friends To Be Doing More Drugs As They Get Older? Ask a Pro

Does a guy have you totally buggin? Send your questions to Head Pro at [email protected], and he probably won’t make too much fun of you.

Dear Head Pro,

It seems the older my friends and I get (we are in our mid 20s now), the more and more my friends seem to “need” hard drugs to have fun. I’ve personally never done any ‘hard’ drugs (and I have no interest in it), but my friends are all pretty into snorting mdma and cocaine. It’s never been much of a concern to me, I mean it’s their life, but it’s to the point that I’m like the only one not on drugs, almost all of the time. And it makes for a really different dynamic when you’re drunk and everyone else is on drugs.

Also, people used to sort of be discrete about it, but now they just rip lines in the middle of the party on the kitchen table. This used to be just on special occasions such as New Years, etc. but now it seems like it’s weird if it’s Saturday night and people aren’t doing drugs. I’ve noticed this increase in drug consumption across a few different friend groups (old friends, new friends, etc.) so I’m just wondering if this is invertible – as you get older, friends slowly segregate into people that settle down and don’t want to go out or have fun at all anymore, or those that do still party and have fun need hard drugs to do so?


Looking for friends that can blackout sometimes without cocaine

Dear Daren the Lion,

Jesus, where do you live, Detroit? The Ozarks? In short, no, this is not inevitable. It is in fact NOT normal for people to settle into harder drugs with greater frequency as they get older. Well, it’s normal for some people, and we all those people “drug addicts.” Hard drugs are a lot of fun, and are recommended in certain situations. Molly before some shit-sucking EDM festival so I don’t jam a railroad spike through my skull? Absolutely, my life is to precious to waste on Diplo. A little booger sugar before hitting the tables at a casino? I WOULDN’T HIT ON 17 WITHOUT IT! Drugs are meant to enhance or improve already exceptional experiences. If your friends need to do whip-its just to get off the couch on Saturday nights, that’s veering into drug abuse.

Basically, you need new friends. I don’t know how it’s possible that all of your friends have drug problems, unless you’re contacting me from within the plot of Requiem for a Dream. If you can tolerate their antics without being tempted to partake, then party on. Otherwise, look elsewhere for fun.

Ass-to-Ass Kisses,

Head Pro

Dear Head Pro,

I know you've had a lot of letters asking about how to turn a fuck buddy into a boyfriend. This is not one of those letters. However, it does involve a fuck buddy and the possibility of a relationship. CG and I began as strictly fuck buddies after meeting over a website when I was living in his area for a summer clerkship. We only lived in the same area for about a month, banging on the reg, until I moved away to finish my last year of law school in another state. Since I had friends/family living in the same general metropolitan area as CG, I still banged him on occasion when I'd visit them, in addition to occasionally sexting with him when we were living in different areas. We stuck to the same ground rules that have always been present from the beginning (ex. no sleepovers, no hanging out before or after beyond recovery time, no cuddling). There were a few hiccups, such as when I freaked out when I thought I was catching feelings for CG once and tried to end things, but, for the most part, it's worked really well. That's how it's managed to last for over 4 years.

However, CG moved to my metropolitan area a couple of months ago. We broached the possibility of dating now that it would actually be feasible (his idea), but then he ghosted me and I started dating someone else. Cut to two months later and I'm now single again and we've gotten back into contact. We had our first date last night, which was somewhat awkward because while we know each other, we don't really know each other in the way that people who have been friends or have dated know each other. Plus, we've had so many boundaries that it even felt weird just holding his hand while walking. For me, it all feels very high stakes because I really don't want to lose him as a bang buddy.

To top it all off, I was rambling on at the end of the date about how I was worried about not wanting to mess things up because dating involves emotions, which is strange new territory for us, and I think he may have blurted out "I love you" when I was talking (I'm 80% sure that's what he said). I tried to confront him about it via text this morning, but he's claiming ignorance. Is there any way to make sure that I don't lose CG as a bang buddy if things don't work out dating-wise, or is it too far gone for that? Do you have any advice for navigating the transition because I have no freakin' idea how to handle such a situation (other than watching movies such as No Strings Attached)? And do I just let the possibility that he dropped the "L" word slide, or do I try to confront CG about it again?


Feeling Like Jack Sparrow in Uncharted Waters

Dear Overthinking It,

You do realize that this is, like, EXACTLY one of those letters, right? I mean, the guy’s your fuck buddy, and you’re in the process of actively trying to make it something more. While I hate to disparage my own generation, this is a prime example of millennial over-preparedness royally fucking things up. Can we all finally agree that these weird hyper-strict “arranged” FWB situations never work out? Like, it’s all fine and good to want some intimacy while keeping things casual (you’re busy, you’re emotionally fragile, etc.), but adding a bunch of stupid “rules” to a relationship never works and makes it less fun. Your previous arrangement worked because of time (temporary living situation) and distance, not your fucked up rules. No hanging out before or after? Like, what if we bang and there’s an episode of Tosh.0 on TV that I haven’t seen? IT COULD HAPPEN.

Anyway, I’m going to ignore your freakout over his possible declaration of love, because I have the feeling you’re the sort of person who breaks down in tears when the store only has the non-organic brand of tortilla chips (it was probably just a gaffe on his part). This is not a situation you can calculate your way out of. People have been navigating sex and relationships for thousands of years with two things: Time and shared interests, which you can only identify by… spending time together. Of course it’s going to be awkward. You went into everything ass-backwards with this guy, and now you’re trying start from scratch. Don’t expect things to work out on the first date. You don’t feel comfortable holding hands? Then don’t! Just hang, bang and see what happens.

If for some reason you’re incompatible as a romantic couple, I’m sorry to say you probably can’t just magically go back to having late night rendezvous. Since you’ve both expressed interest in making this more than a FWB thing, no amount of dumbfuck “rules” will make your feelings go away. Besides, given that you’re an adult and a law school graduate, it’s probably time to grow up and cut it with the “catching feelings” bullshit. I know we like to joke about it here, but somewhere beneath the celebrity gossip, clothing shop promotions and poached oxygen recipes, this is still a satire site.

Please Don’t Reference Those Stupid Pirate Movies,

Head Pro

Does a guy have you totally buggin? Send your questions to Head Pro at [email protected], and he probably won’t make too much fun of you.




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