January 28, 2015
In the dark days before Mean Girls baby betches had Bring It On, the heroic tale of a cheerleading squad trying to claw their way back up to the top despite much adversity and insufficient spirit fingers. Other than Clueless it was our first real introduction into the world of being a betch. It taught us so many important life lessons, like that we should always strive to be sexy, cute, and popular to boot, and more importantly that even if you hire a professional choreographer you will still not be better dancers than the girls from Compton. Like, if you couldn’t recite the entire Toros pep rally cheer in 6th grade, did you even have friends? Probably not.
In an interview last week Gabrielle Union, who played the captain of the East Compton Clovers, recast the three main roles with actresses who are actually relevant today. I’m not sure why she gets to speak for the entire franchise (clearly no one informed her that this isn’t a cheertatorship), although her off the cuff suggestions are still better than every Bring It On reboot that actually got made. Here’s the replacements she chose and then what we think they should actually be. Follow me or perish, sweater monkeys.
Originally played by Kirsten Dunst
Gabrielle chose Dakota Fanning to play the starring role of Torrance Shipman. This makes sense on a physical level because, like Kirsten Dunst, Dakota is a terminally pale 90 pound blonde girl. But the similarities die there, and in our expert opinion she lacks the effervescent, optimistic nature vital to the role. We opted for Annasophia Robb because she’s bubblier than a freshly popped bottle of Moet and seems naive enough to date a male cheerleader.
Originally played by Eliza Dushku
To play the badass LA transfer student Missy, Gabrielle picked Selena Gomez. No offense to Selena, but no. We all saw Spring Breakers and know that she can play a bitch just about as successfully as she can maintain a relationship with Justin Bieber (a blessing in disguise really). Instead, we chose Sarah Hyland, who seems like she could pull off a pretty impressive LA IDFWU vibe.
Originally played by Gabrielle Union
Gabrielle picked Keke Palmer to sucede her, but we have a much better idea. Isis II should be played by Gabrielle Union again, because she hasn’t fucking aged a day since the movie premiered 15 years ago (clearly she went in on the same soul selling deal as Pharrell and J. Lo). Keke would probably be great, but why substitute when you can have the original in all it’s wrinkle-free glory?