The Betches of Game of Thrones

By The Betches

Anyone who watches Game of Thrones knows that the women of the series shadily run shit. When they're not taking their clothes off to win wars, they're whispering sweet nothings into the ears of dumb guys to get shit done their way. That being said, there are some girls that are betchier than others and we're here to rank their ability to rule like power betches in a kingdom where men think they're in charge.

10. Brienne of Tarth

Coming in last on our list is Brienne of Tarth. When she’s not sticking up for douchebag pro Jaime Lannister she’s harboring a huge crush on certified definitely gay bro Renly Baratheon. Refusing to talk shit about Catelyn Stark just screams nice girl. Sorry Bri but Paris Hilton is the only one who can pull off a size 11 shoe size and that manly armor is so last season.

9. Arya Stark

We appreciate Arya’s whole disgruntled angsty teenager shtick but like seriously does she have to be so manly? Like, would it kill you to just not murder guys you meet on the road or like, do a little crocheting instead of sharpening your knives? I get it like your whole family is slowly being murdered off but like, why so serious? Put on some eyeliner and pop a Xanax Ar, getting stuck with the pointy end is a lot more fun than you think.

8. Ygritte

While we’re generally not really into red heads, we’ll do this show the honor of forgiving its 40% red-headed cast. While she’s sort of the token ghetto bitch of the show, we appreciate her mocking of nice guy Jon Snow and her actual follow through on her threat that she’d kill any boyfriend who betrayed her. When she devirginized Jon Snow you could tell that beneath her really intense North Face fleece she was actually like, really pretty. But chill out Ygritte, there was no way Jon was going to make that long term of a commitment to a self-proclaimed trashy wildling. I mean he’s a bastard, he’s not poor.

7. Shae

Also hailing from the wrong side of the tracks, Shae proves that you don’t have to be born with money to tell rich people to go fuck themselves. She’s a sucker for bros with TDS but she’ll be dead before she allows any bald fatties to pay her off to leave the party early.

6. Sansa Stark

While Sansa is dumb as fuck, her desire to be a stay at home trophy wife to an asshole are not that far from our own expectations. Sansa has to learn the hard way that douche guys have to be ignored in order for you to #32 win. If you forget that fact you’re a hop, skip, and a jump away from watching your dad’s head get cut off and having to settle for a short bro.

5. Catelyn Stark

Proving a little too honorable for her own good (RIP Cat) Catelyn proves her betchiness as she runs shit in the war to make her son king. Basically the Jackie Kennedy of the North, she’s kind of like the rich mom makes you get into college on your own merit rather than her connections. Boring. Catelyn is all for making sure her family gets to the top without having the moral integrity of a Kardashian. She warns Robb against his betchy attempts to #129 make shit up to Walder Frey and when he doesn’t listen, gets royally fucked in the end. It was a good run Cat, at least if you had to go down you took that other bitch with you.

4. Margaery Tyrell

Margaery is one of those rare betches that manages to manipulate every guy around her while looking insanely hot and showing just enough cleavage to still be allowed at court. While perfecting the art of #42 dressing like a slut, Mags, like most betches is hated by other women. Sure it’s sort of slutty to try and fuck your way to the top but she manages to make it look easy with a fake smile and a fake enthusiasm for philanthropy events. Margaery doesn’t care if she’s getting knocked up with the spawn of an evil dictator or a gay bro, someone is going to feel her up if it’s the last thing she does.

3. Melisandre

The Red Priestess always gives 110% at the office. As Stannis B’s right hand woman, when she’s not trying to burn bastard children alive or warn you that the night is full of terrors (I’ve been to Brooklyn, I KNOW this) She even manages to get approval from his wife to be this bro’s mistress. Far from a nice girl Melisandre manages to get the self proclaimed king of the seven kingdoms to be her bitch. Well done Mel, I hear red is going to be big for Winter 2014.  

2. Cersei Lannister

Cersei is definitely the head bitch in charge. Although fucking your brother is never okay, there’s something to be said for narcissism of actually wanting to have sex with your twin. Cersei gives zero fucks who likes her and would rather kill herself than marry a rich gay dude just because her dad says she has to. Cersei has perfected the art of ruling behind the scenes and her fuck off vibe can only be rivaled by her fucking genius ability to convince a drunk guy who she’s never had sex with that all three of her kids are his.

1. Daenerys Targaryen 

Dani T is not only gorgeous, but her transformation from nice girl to betch has not been seen since the days of Lindsay Lohan in Mean Girls. If being the mother of dragons means you have three fire-breathing reptiles to scorch anyone who fucks with you, please sign us up. It seems like it involves way less legal problems than any of Bieber’s bodyguards have encountered. There was definitely something a little iffy about a white queen, crowd surfing among a crew of way tanner poor people we appreciate that GOT is paying tribute to Ke$ha concerts. Well done, Khaleesi.




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