This week’s episode of Game of Thrones was possibly the happiest in the show’s existence, which means that next week they will take absolutely everything we love away, and I will live in constant anxiety until then. In the meantime, there’s a lot we get to celebrate: Stark reunions, newfound alliances, and Danaerys taking down men in only the way she can.
After Jon’s dramatic exit last week, you would have thought he just waltzed off into the wild to start his solitary life as a total hermit. Wrong. He dramatically stormed right to his room, where he is met by his friend whose name I now know to be Edd. Thanks, Wikipedia.
Edd is not happy that Jon has the nerve to bail after being murdered by a bunch of traitors that he risked his life multiple times to protect. Jon has not been happy once in the past five years, so at least now everyone is on the same page.
At that moment, the gates open and Sansa, Brienne, and Podrick ride in. At this point in my life, this show has so severely broken me that I still refused to believe this reunion was going to happen. Was Jon going to bail before he saw Sansa? Was a White Walker going to show up and stab her before she made it inside? Was Drogon going to fly over and torch everyone? All of these scenarios seemed more likely than what we actually got: pure unadulterated joy as two of the saddest Starks (which is really saying a lot) were finally reunited. Raise your hand if your heart shattered into a million tiny pieces.
The only thing that could possibly distract me from the scene that the world has waited five years for was the raging sexual tension between Tormund and Brienne. Set that blazing eye contact to some Temper Trap and you have the makings of a really strange rom com.
Everyone gives Sansa and Jon some privacy to recount the horrors they’ve each suffered since everyone made the single worst decision in the world to leave Winterfell. Their happiness, however, can only last so long before they get down to business. Sansa is dead set on taking Winterfell back from the Boltons, while Jon is trying to escape to a tropical island with Ghost and never see anyone again for as long as he lives.
Jon: All I’ve done since I’ve left home is fight people and I’m tired of it.
Sansa: Oh yeah, my life has been a PICNIC.
Possibly my favorite part of season six so far is Sansa’s evolution into a boss-ass bitch. No one is stopping her from taking back her home, not even whiny-ass Jon. She tells him that, while she’d really enjoy his help, she’s more than willing to wage war by herself if he has to.
Jon: Yo you got kinda scary since the last time I saw you.
Sansa: Yeah, I spent a lot of time with Cersei Lannister.
Back outside, Davos takes this opportunity to catch up with Melisandre about what happened during those final days in Stannis’ camp. I guess he couldn’t smell the charred twelve-year-old from the Wall.
Davos: Hey, so whatever happened to Shireen?
Melisandre: New phone who dis.
Melisandre skirts over the part where she convinced a man to burn his daughter alive and tells Davos that it doesn’t really matter what happened with Stannis, because Jon is clearly the Prince who was promised, and she serves him now. Davos seems suspicious but doesn’t have time to voice his opinions before Brienne busts up into the conversation for a quick chat about her favorite topic: the death of Renly Baratheon. The conversation basically went like this:
Davos: Uh, who are you.
Brienne: The bitch who executed Stannis BOY, BYE.
Somewhere in the distance, Tormund is definitely aroused. He demonstrates this later at dinner by seductively eating his bread and gazing aggressively across the table at Brienne. Edd is uncomfortable. Podrick is uncomfortable. The world is uncomfortable. I am ALL for it.
Dinner is interrupted by the arrival of a letter from Ramsey, which basically reads, “if you’re ready come and get it.” The actual letter is almost more brutal than a face-to-face conversation with Ramsey. In an alternate life, he would have left some scathing YouTube comments.
Sansa: He has Rickon. We have to go.
Jon: Honestly, do either of us even really remember Rickon?
Jon stops reading the letter out loud when it gets to the part with rape threats for Sansa, but Sansa “No Shit” Stark just finishes it for him. Tormund pauses his one-way eye-sex session to volunteer his 2,000-person wildling army, which will still be not match for Ramsey’s 5,000.
While he’s clearly still hesitant, Jon agrees that it’s time to suit up and take back Winterfell. Actual footage I am hoping we receive from Sansa storming Winterfell:
Theon has finally made it home, and shockingly enough there is no warm reception waiting for him. Not even, like, a single kind word or hug for the guy who got his dick chopped off by a psychopath. The Iron Islands seem like a pretty not chill place to grow up.
It turns out that Yara is still very upset about the failed rescue attempt that Theon ruined, which lost her a few good men. She’s also incredibly suspicious that he shows up right before the Kingsmoot, as if anyone would look at Theon and think, “yeah, this is some worthy competition.” He convinces her that all he wants is to help her win and maybe take a thirty year nap. Honestly, someone just give this kid some hot chocolate and a corner to sit in, and he’ll probably be pretty content.
Remember the creepy-ass Arryn kid who was breast feeding at the tender age of ten? Against all odds he’s still alive, and showing about as much promise at archery as I did back at camp when I was ten. Which is to say, absolutely none at all. Other developments include a newly deep voice and even more of a predilection for throwing humans out the moon door than before. He honestly might just be Rico from Hannah Montana, TBA.
Robin’s training with his
babysitter bannerman Lord Royce is interrupted by the return of the creepiest uncle in Westeros: Petyr Baelish. In case you all forgot, Baelish sold Sansa to the Boltons and then peaced out to continue his scheming across the country. Lord Royce certainly hadn’t forgotten and low-key accuses Littlefinger of being a shady fucker, and he’s not wrong.
Unfortunately for Royce, Baelish is probably the second smartest guy in this show, and Robin Arryn is wrapped around his little fingers. He turns the accusation around and claims that Royce alerted the Boltons to his travel plans, which was how they managed to get their hands on Sansa. At this point, Robin is down to throw him out the moon door, not because he cares about his cousin Sansa, but more likely because he’s bored and hasn’t watched anyone plummet to their death in a while.
At this point, Petyr does what he does best and manipulates a child into doing his bidding. He pardons Royce and then convinces Robin to send men out to Winterfell to save Sansa. This means that the Vale is now officially involved in this mess, something they’ve been actively trying to avoid for the past five years. Idk what Baelish has a bigger boner for, Sansa or manipulation, but he just managed to combine the two yet again.
Tyrion has invited the Masters of Slaver’s Bay over to negotiate an end to this Sons of the Harpy nonsense. While his decision is a strategically sound move, neither Missandei nor Grey Worm are on board. They don’t have much experience with politics other than Danaerys’ “take no prisoners, burn everything down in a grand magical gesture" approach. Which, to be fair, is super cool, but not really in Tyrion’s wheelhouse. It also hasn’t proven to be all that effective in the long run.
Despite their misgivings, both Missandei and Grey Worm attend the meeting in a show of support. Meanwhile, Tyrion’s posture and general demeanor is that of a hungover kid trying to make it through his 8am lecture. His offer, however, is solid.
Tyrion tells the Masters that the rest of Slaver’s Bay will have seven years to slowly phase slavery out of their systems, rather than build a new infrastructure overnight. The Masters will be compensated for their loss, and in return they will stop secretly supporting the Sons of the Harpy. He throws some prostitutes in to sweeten the deal and then walks out. Missandei and Grey Worm follow, not remotely pleased. I’m thinking that a certain white-haired Queen who really dislikes compromise will also not be pleased once she rides her dragon back into town.
Missandei and Grey Worm support Tyrion when a group of former slaves confront him in the throne room, but in private they make their dissent very clear. Grey Worm speaks more in this scene than he has in the show’s entire run time, and the gist is that they are not down to allow one more day of slavery, let alone seven years. Hmmm, why does this feel oddly familiar...
The High Sparrow springs Margaery from her cell for a long-winded talk that I found to be incredibly boring. Apparently Westeros’ Bernie used to be a high end shoe designer who made a bunch of money and threw parties for his friends. So he sounds 100% more enjoyable than the current High Sparrow. After a particularly bad hangover, he decided to abandon his life of depravity and fancy shoes for a pious, shoeless existence. Seems like a slight overreaction to me, but whatever.
After this talk he lets her finally see Loras, who is handling captivity worse than anyone. This wasn’t some altruistic move on the Sparrow’s part; he knew that Margaery was too strong to break on her own, but that she wouldn’t be able to watch Loras suffer. She tells Loras to get his shit together, because the only way that they can win this battle is by not giving up. His answer to this is to cry and whine a lot. For sure the least useful Tyrell.
Clearly the High Sparrow’s plan worked, because Cersei walks in on Pycell discussing the situation with Tommen. It sounds like Margaery has agreed to take her “walk of atonement” in exchange for her an Loras’ release. Despite what you might expect, Cersei is not happy about this.
Cersei: Margaery’s safety is paramount.
Tommen: Can you try and sound a little more sincere.
As it turns out, Cersei’s hatred for Margaery has been eclipsed by her need for revenge against the Sparrows. Respect for Kings and Queens is more important than her hatred of women who are younger and prettier than she is, so you know this shit just got serious. Serious enough that Cersei and Jaime are able to rally Lady Olenna and Uncle Kevan to their side. The Tyrell’s don’t want their shining star paraded naked through the streets of King’s Landing, and the Lannisters want the Sparrows out, so the least likely truce in Westeros is made.
Their plan: The Tyrell army will march to King’s Landing to take on the Sparrows. Kevan, who is the Hand of the King and has sworn to not interfere with the Sparrows, will do just that. He will not interfere, nor will the King’s Guard, as the Tyrell army takes out a barefoot cult who managed to overpower an entire city. Will this plan work? Probably not. But it’s fun watching two HBICs come together over a common enemy.
Kevan: A bunch of people are going to die if we do this
Lady Olenna: I’ve never cared about other people before and I certainly don’t plan on starting now.
Ramsey has summoned a newly clean and dressed Osha to his private quarters, where he is menacingly peeling an apple, so we all know this can only end one of two ways. Hint: it’s the much sadder way.
Osha succeeds in actually making Ramsey laugh and the shock on his face probably mirrored my own. Is that a spark of actual emotion? Is this a love connection in the making? Can Ramsey possibly be redeemed? I will come to disregard each of these thoughts in the next two minutes, but it was fun to dream while it lasted.
Ramsey wants to know why Osha stuck around to protect Rickon for so long, and if her loyalty to the Starks will be an issue in the future. She makes a big show of claiming that she was just trying to make some money, and then backs up her statement by immediately climbing into Ramsey’s lap. At this point, her fate may have still been up in the air, until we all saw her eyeing Ramsey’s knife. Bad move, Osha. Bad move.
Ramsey: You’re a better talker than Theon Greyjoy.
Osha: Maybe don’t mention Theon while I’m grabbing your dick.
While he appeared to be enjoying the free hand job, Ramsey was onto Osha and her big tough Wildling act. Lest we forget, Theon was Ramsey’s bitch for a long time and knew that Osha was protecting Bran and Rickon out of the goodness of her heart. The thought of someone doing something purely out of kindness probably killed his boner, so Ramsey opted for stabbing Osha in the neck instead. And then went back to eating his apple. Why did I think this would end any differently?
DAARIO IS BACK. Jorah too, but I choose to focus on the positives. It looks like their journey to Khaleesi has finally come to an end as they arrive at the Vaes Dothrak. Daario has literally spent the entire last leg of the journey telling Jorah he’s too old and out of shape to even think about having sex with Danaerys. Moon of my life. My sun and stars.
Jorah knows about the Dosh Khaleen, because he has access to Dothraki Wikipedia, I guess. He tells Daario they have to abandon their weapons if they want to make it into the city without getting murdered. Daario kisses his knife so tenderly that I had to pause the show and do a lap around my house. He also spots Jorah’s grayscale and pulls back on the old man jokes a bit.
They wait until night to break into the city. The rampant drinking, stumbling, and public sex is giving me some hardcore Cabo spring break vibes. The Dothraki would probably be pretty fun to party with until they started raping and murdering everyone. Jorah and Daario are spotted by two Dothraki who are not convinced by Jorah’s lies about being lost wine merchants. Daario kills one before he can alert anyone else, and Jorah resorts to THROWING SAND in the other Dothraki’s face to try and distract him. This is the same man who fought his way through an entire slave melee, but sure.
The leader of the Dosh Khaleen turns out to be pretty chill. She’s explaining everyone’s sad backstories and talking mad shit on all the Khal’s and I’m thinking that if Dany didn’t have a country to take over that maybe hanging here wouldn’t be the worst thing that could happen to her.
Prediction: she rallies all the widows to her side and starts a Taylor Swift-style squad that reenacts the "Bad Blood" video while they seek vengeance against the men who imprisoned them here. As you all no doubt know by now, what we ended up getting wasn’t that far off.
While out getting fresh air with one of the younger widows, Dany is happened upon by Jorah and Daario. They want to try and fight their way out of the city, but naturally Khaleesi has a better plan.
She meets with the council of Khals who are supposedly deciding her fate. JOKES. I honestly live for the brief scenes where Dany just gets to shit on an entire room of arrogant, entitled men, which means that the last five minutes of last night’s episode were the highlight of my weekend.
Watching as she set fire to the hut that all the Khals were locked in, only to walk out completely unscathed, literally cured my hangover. It was like Lemonade: Game of Thrones Edition. The rest of the Dothraki gathered to see what the fuck could have taken out all of their leaders in one fell swoop, and proceeded to watch in awe as Danaerys walks out of the fire, butt ass naked and smirking like a God.
They all bow before her, which is probably also how I would react to seeing Emilia Clarke’s perfect naked body. Not even Jorah and Daario are immune to her majesty, but that doesn’t stop Jorah from taking a second peak before bowing his head in deference. I can’t even be mad, because same.
Betch of the Week: Khaleesi.
Feeling bad about yourself? Rewatch that scene. Repeat until empowered. Peace and blessings.