April 20, 2015
We're back, betches. Let's see what went down in Westeros this week.
Arya arrives in Braavos in the same outfit she's been wearing for the past three years, so she probably smells great. She shows up at the House of Black and White, because after your entire family has been murdered it seems like the most logical move to follow the advice of a practical stranger who refers to himself in third person and volunteered to kill people for you. To be fair, her parents died before they could get to the whole “stranger danger” thing.
She knocks on the door and pulls out her magic coin, because it's gotten her this far. The guy who answers is not impressed, tells her to GTFO and slams the door in her face. Welcome to Braavos, bitch.
Her plan to cross the Narrow Sea on the advice of a stranger starts to seem not so legit anymore, and in a fit of rage she throws her magic coin into the ocean. Clearly she hasn't seen Pirates of the Caribbean.
For the next day or two Arya returns to her roots AKA becomes a street urchin who chases animals around and repeats the names of people who've wronged her out loud, ad nauseam. Acting like a schizophrenic homeless girl who eats pigeons is a surefire way to win over the hearts of her new countrymen. But actually it might be, because after a near miss gang bang situation, Arya is saved by the man who slammed the door in her face. Turns out he's Jaqen H'ghar, or “a man,” and he takes Arya into the House of Black and White. No one questions a middle aged man with a peroxide streak circa 2001 leading a teenage girl into a locked building with no windows. Maybe Baelish should check out Braavos next.
The best duo since Paris and Nicole Richie are sitting in an inn eating (Podrick) and whining about getting friend-zoned by Arya (Brienne) when Podrick notices that Petyr Baelish and Sansa are literally 30 feet away, again. Violently unaware of the notions of subtly, Brienne stalks over and starts in on her “I was the sworn sword of your mother" speech, despite the fact that it has a pretty terrible success rate.
Brienne: I was the bodyguard of both Renly Baratheon and your mother and now I'd like to follow you around and maybe sniff your hair a little bit.
Petyr: Literally both the people you swore your life to protect are dead.
Sansa: Solid point Uncle Pedophile, I mean Petyr.
Sansa shuts Brienne down, so clearly she got all the stranger avoidance training that Arya is lacking. Brienne goes outside to find Podrick, who still hasn't completed his single job of readying the one fucking horse they had. She hulks out, frees all of the horses, and starts running train on Baelish's knights. Inevitably, Podrick fucks up and Brienne has to save him, so they lose sight of Sansa.
Podrick: Idk maybe you should stop stalking the daughters of a woman you served for like 3 months tops?
Someone in Dorne has sent Cersei a statue of a snake with Myrcella's necklace wrapped around it, which she pretty validly interprets as a threat. Cersei summons Jaime and then rants about burning Dorne to the ground, which probably won't improve international relations, but whatever. Then she gets mad that Jaime isn't as upset as she is, seeing as how he is actually Myrcella's dad.
Cersei: You were never a father to our children anyways.
Jaime: Probably because I'm also their uncle.
In a last ditch attempt to prove to his sister/girlfriend that he isn't a giant bitch, Jaime promises to go to Dorne to save his daughter/niece. Cersei thinks this isn't the best plan, seeing as how he only has one hand, but lets him go because what's one more dead relative at this point? Jaime recruits Bronn to go with him, who's like “I mean I was about to marry this wonderful woman that I'm definitely in love with and not marrying for her money at all I swear, but sure I guess if you need me.” They ride of into the sunset, a Westerosi Han Solo and Chewbacca. Jamie is wearing an anachronistic rebel without a cause jacket and Bronn is inarticulately gargling, in case you weren't sure who was supposed to be who in that metaphor.
Meanwhile, Cersei low-key appoints herself Hand of the King, much to the displeasure of her uncle, Kevan (why are the names spelled like this? WHY?). She hands out a bunch of new titles to the members of the small council in the hopes that they won't notice her coup. They do.
Kevan: I don't submit to your authority because you have a vagina.
Cersei: Well it looks like you're the one family member I won't be having sex with then.
She's also collecting the head of every dwarf in Westeros in the hopes that one of them might turn out to be Tyrion. Better safe than sorry?
Oberyn's girlfriend Ellaria is still not over the whole “watching his skull get crushed by some other guy's bare hands” thing, and wants vengeance. His brother Doran (the Prince) says no, death by combat is not technically murder, and there's nothing he can do. Apparently Oberyn's horde of warrior daughters, the Sand Snakes, are crying for war with Westeros. Everyone seems to be ignoring the fact that his daughters banded together and named themselves like some blood thirsty version of the Partridge Family, so I'm hoping their battles will at least be well choreographed.
Ellaria: Let's just cut off pieces of Myrcella and send them to Cersei.
Doran: We don't mutilate little girls for vengeance.
Ellaria: Ugh so rational, it's like you don't even belong in this series.
Tyrion and Varys are riding in what looks like a portable living room to Volantis, which is somehow a pit stop on the way to Mereen. At this point, they could tell me that Miami was a pit stop on the way to Mereen and I'd believe them, because I could label a map of Westeros about as accurately as I could a map of the North East (sorry all your states are so fucking small). Tyrion is still going strong on his wine only diet.
Varys: You're still drinking?
Tyrion: Did I fucking stutter when I said car bar?
They talk some more about how they love power blah blah, we're gonna save Westeros blah blah, I hate everyone in King's Landing. Same old, same old.
Using only his rugged good looks and a lot of guess work, Daario finds one of the Sons of Harpy. There's a big debate about what to do with him: a former slave says they should murder him, Ser Barristan wants to hold a trial, and Daario wants to do whatever results in Daenerys being naked. After being reminded that her dad went bat shit doling out justice, which resulted in the murder of her entire family, Khaleesi agrees to a trial. The former slave interprets this as “man I really wish someone would just kill this dude for me so I can pretend that I was going to do the right thing,” and does exactly that.
Daenerys is pissed and therefore decides to publicly execute this former slave who only calls her Mom because “justice.” This results in a full on riot between the masters and the slaves, and the unsullied have to sneak Dany out like she's Harry Styles leaving a One Direction concert.
Later that night Khaleesi is debating how much harder she can fuck up in this city when Drogon shows up. He let's her pet him for a hot sec before he flies away to probably eat some more children.
Episodes since we've seen Daario's ass: 1
Shireen Baratheon is teaching Gilly to read, because apparently all she does is educate sad, illiterate adults. There's a lot of tension building between Sam and Gilly, probably because she realized she saddled herself to the biggest pussy in Westeros.
Sam: Did you know *inane fact that absolutely no one knows*
Gilly: I just found out what an S was, what the fuck do you think?
Mama Baratheon decides to be a parent for once and tells Shireen to stay away from Gilly (so she's probably seen Skins). Shireen is like “definitely mom, I will for sure listen to your sage wisdom even though you kept me locked in a tower for the past 10 years.”
Stannis quickly finds out that the Northerners are loyal to no one but the Starks via a letter that looks like it was scrawled by a feisty 3rd grader from the inhabitants of Bear Island. He offers Jon a deal: swear your allegiance to me and I will make you Lord of Winterfell. There's a pretty solid internal battle between Jon's daddy issues and his honor, but inevitably his honor wins out because he is Ned Stark's son and he really doesn't know anything.
The Night's Watch are electing a new Lord Commander kind of the same way my sorority pledge class chose a senior class president: passive aggressive speeches, shit talking, and unapologetic intimidation.
Sam: We should elect Jon because he is the sole reason we didn't all die in the episode long war at the end of last season.
Mormont: Yeah….but remember when he fucked a wildling?
Obviously Jon wins, which means we will have to endure another full season of wall angst. Everyone seems to have momentarily forgotten about the White Walkers, because that's not an immediate threat or anything.
Comes and goes as he pleases, plays hard to get, and gets his siblings blamed and imprisoned for shit that he did. Respect.