May 18, 2015
This week has something for everyone: bitch fights, dwarf dicks, unnecessary rape scenes, and a hot new prince to stare at while we wait for the return of Daario.
Oh hey Arya, it’s been a while since we’ve seen her. I wonder if anything new is hap- oh. No. She’s still just washing dead bodies. Awesome. She’s also still trying really hard to become no one, and actually no one is having it.fmyr
After a body is scrubbed down and oiled to some questionable standard, it is carried through a locked door. Arya, being the curious and predictable rebel that she is, is constantly trying to sneak through it to see what the fuck is going on. As principle body washer and a girl who threw everything away to come to Braavos, this seems like a valid concern on her part. The nameless girl from before catches her and is essentially like, “calm the fuck down, grasshopper, you are not ready yet.” Ready for what? No one knows, but if it requires more mental preparation than being a glorified mortician in a time before embalming was common practice than I don’t really think it was worth a trip across the Narrow Sea, but whatever.
Arya doesn’t share this opinion, and starts asking the girl who she is, even though everyone fucking knows the answer is “no one” at this point. The girl tells her this sob story about being a highborn lady from Westeros with Cinderella syndrome, except in this version she recruited the Faceless men to kill her evil stepmother and then swore her allegiance to them.
This could have been a pretty cool back story until she said “did you just believe every word I said?” Uh, yeah. I don’t know about Braavos, but the rest of the world kind of relies on a reliable narrator, asshole.
Later, Arya is sleeping in her room and when Jaqen shows up, silently and unannounced. Classic. They play a fun game where he asks Arya questions about her life and then whips her when she answers them truthfully, which is literally adding insult to injury because her life story is already pretty dismal.
Arya: Fuck this noise, I’m out.
Jaqen: Jokes, you literally have no where else to go
Flash to Arya cleaning the floors, which is only slightly preferable to cleaning corpses. Honestly, traveling with the Hound is starting to look like spring break compared to this bull shit.
Some guy brings in his dying daughter and begs Arya to heal her. She mistakes “heal” for “kill,” a common slip-up in this universe, I think. Arya makes up a story about how she was also dying when her father brought her here, and all she had to was drink the water from the not at all ominous fountain and then she was miraculously healed. In case you haven’t been paying attention, everyone who drinks from that fountain absolutely becomes a body that Arya gets to scrub down later. Jaqen watches this deception from a dark corner, definitely aroused.
Later, while washing this newly dead girl and petting her in an endearing “sorry I needlessly killed you,” way, Jaqen shows up and leads Arya through the secret door. Killing an innocent? Welcome to our club! It takes her to a gigantic room that looks a lot like Sequoia National Park, but instead of monster trees imagine pillars full of preserved human skulls. Just as picturesque and family friendly, though.
Jaqen decides that the girl is still not ready to become “nobody,” but she is ready to become “somebody,” which means literally nothing to the rest of us. I wish Game of Thrones did soundtracks like regular shows, because this scene would have been greatly improved by Gotye playing in the background.
Jorah still has grayscale. Jorah still hasn’t told Jorah he has grayscale. Jorah is still the worst.
Prediction: Tyrion totally knows and just hasn’t said anything yet, because he’s Tyrion and he knows everything.
Jorah: * something monotone and boring *
Tyrion: You are an awful traveling companion and literally the least charming man I have ever met. I am a Lannister, do you know how truly insulting that is for you?
Jorah finally realizes that it was kind of weird for Tyrion Lannister to be hanging out in a brothel in Volantis and asks him why he was there and Tyrion is like “ABOUT FUCKING TIME, BUD.” He explains his daddy issues with Tywin, of which there were many, most notably that he killed him.
This is followed by an awkward silence, because Jorah, so Tyrion goes on to talk about how he met his dad at the Wall (forever ago, like season 1) and how he was a super honorable guy that will be hard to replace. This leads to the super uncomfortable revelation that Jorah didn’t know his dad was dead and Tyrion is like “uh, my bad.”
Jorah wants to know how he died, and Tyrion tells him there was a mutiny, which is kind of true. If you don’t remember (you probably don’t) Commander Mormont had Jon kill him when they were captured by the Wildlings so he could gain their trust and infiltrate their ranks. Jorah glares into the distance which means there is a 100% chance of altercation between him and Jon Snow in the future.
After all this bonding Tyrion decides it’s finally time to bring up the elephant in the room: Jorah’s uncomfortable level of devotion to Danaerys.
Tyrion: So is she really worth all this?
Jorah: Ugh FINALLY I thought no one would ever ask * breaks out 100 feet of scrolls *
Jorah basically says that he was a cynic like Tyrion who believed in nothing until he watched Dany walk into a fire with three dragon eggs and come out unscathed with three living fucking dragons. He also says it’s hard to be a cynic after hearing baby dragons singing, but I’m pretty sure he meant after seeing a naked Khaleesi.
Tyrion is like, “Cool story bro, but having dragons doesn’t automatically bestow you with the years of diplomacy and experience it would take to rule a land that you have never actually lived in,” but before Jorah can start loudly humming over this valid argument they are caught by slave traders.
What follows is the most bizarre interaction in a series built upon bizarre interactions.
The slave traders decide they are going to sell Jorah off, but Tyrion is useless because how much manual labor can a dwarf really do? Turns out not much, but there is one part of him that it super valuable. His dick. Here I was thinking that he just had all that sex because he could pay for it but apparently there was more to it.
Literally, an ENTIRE CONVERSATION ensues about how much they can sell Tyrion’s dwarf dick for, which apparently requires the expertise of a COCK MERCHANT. This is a real life career. The sentence “the dwarf lives until we can find a cock merchant,” was actually written down by professional writers, and then recited on film. That means that, while creating this incredibly complex and detailed universe, George R.R. Martin was like “Hm, yes, you know what’s missing? Dick merchants.”
Tyrion, always at his best when trying to talk his way out of death, appeals to the slave trader’s sensible sides.
Tyrion: But how will they know it’s actually a dwarf’s dick? You could be lying.
Slave Trader: Uh, probably because it’ll be dwarf sized.
Tyrion: GUESS AGAIN FUCKER.
They have no rebuttal for this flawless logic and so Tyrion gets to live until a dick merchant and then probably a dick notary can be found to verify that Tyrion’s dick is in fact from the body of a Dwarf. Simply amazing.
After all this excitement everyone remembers that Jorah is still standing there, and Tyrion is like “ugh I guess I’ll use my super brain to save you, too.” The slave traders tell them that Khaleesi has reopened the fighting pits, so Tyrion tells them that Jorah is a world class fighter and they should take them to Mereen. It takes some convincing, and a good amount of staring on Jorah’s part, but they eventually agree.
Little Finger is back in the capital and runs into the new sparrow Lancel first thing. Lancel lets him know that the rules have changed a bit since he left, most notably that they shut down his brothel and murdered everyone in it. Petyr is like, “I’m in the middle of manipulating an entire country, you are literally at the bottom of my list. Go fuck another cousin or something,” and leaves.
He goes to meet with Cersei, and they have the realest conversation that’s probably ever taken place in King’s Landing. Petyr tells her it might have been a bad call to have Loras arrested, and Cersei is like “Me?? A simple Queen Mother?? I know not of what you speak.”
Cersei: If anyone should be upset it’s me. We were engaged and yet he chose to have sex with men.
Petyr: Yeah, you’re right, people with socially unacceptable sexual preferences are gross.
Turns out the true reason for this little meeting is that Cersei wants to know if the Nights of the Vale, now under the control of Petyr, will fight for the capital when war inevitably breaks out. This is when Baelish throws down.
He tells Cersei a couple of things he definitely wasn’t supposed to tell her, like that (his girlfriend) Sansa is back at Winterfell and that she’s marrying Ramsey Bolton. Cersei is pissed. And not her regular level of constant anger, but actually enraged.
Cersei: We made Roose Bolton Warden of the North, he would never betray us like that!
Petyr: Weird, I’m pretty sure that’s exactly what Robb Stark said, too.
He goes on to tell her basically the entire Winterfell plan, and how Stannis will march on Bolton and that she should just let them wipe each other out before she strikes. She reminds him that Winterfell is 1,000 miles away and there’s no way she can get an army there fast enough, which is when Baelish oh so selflessly volunteers his own army that is waiting at the Vale, ready to strike. The catch? She makes him Warden of the North when he wins. Which obviously means he will get to marry Sansa.
Petyr Baelish: King of the long game. It may take him 30+ years, but he’s getting in with a Tully.
Cersei: Fine, but literally the first thing you do when you’re in power is send me Sansa Stark’s head.
Petyr: Yeah, sure, totally.
We finally get to meet Myrcella, and she does not disappoint. They rock hella cleavage in Dorne, and apparently also have acces to Free People, because I for sure have that same halter bra. She in the middle of some Romeo and Juliet shit with Prince Tristane of Dorne, who is super hot and possibly old enough for me to say that.
Trystane wants to ask Myrcella to marry him but even she knows that this is probably not going to work out for either of them. His dad, Prince Doran, watches from the balcony and is very much Team Trystella. He tells his the captain of his guard to ignore any real incoming threats the city may encounter because they are about to risk their lives to make sure this teenage romance succeeds.
The best bros, this side of the Narrow Sea (Jaime and Bronn, duh) have finally arrived, disguised as Dornish soliders. They sneak into the water gardens because the level of security in Dorne is questionable at best.
Trystan and Myrcella: * making out *
Jaime is instantly offended because Trystane looks nothing like him, and yet his daughter/niece is all about it. He tries to get Myrcella to leave with them, but not before Trystane recognizes that the bloody Dornish uniforms they’re wearing probably weren’t theirs to begin with. He tries to attack Bronn and gets knocked out in .5 seconds. Then the sand snakes show up and melee breaks outs.
After a couple minutes of fighting in which no one dies (rare), Doran’s guard shows up and tells everyone to stand the fuck down.
Sand Snakes: But we’re Oberyn’s child-
Guard: DID I STUTTER
He captures everyone, including Ellaria who lurked underground so she wouldn’t get her hands dirty. Classic.
Margaery recognizes that she might be in over her head and calls in the big guns to deal with this Loras nonsense: Grandma Olenna Tyrell. She shows up and sends Margaery back to the kiddy table, because it’s time for the adults to settle some shit.
Olenna goes to see Cersei and doesn’t even fuck around with false pleasantries. She calls her the Queen of Tarts (ugh, we love a good pun, especially when it’s also an insult) and demands that Loras be freed. Cersei is so shocked that someone actually said something rude to her face that she is at a momentary loss for words.
Cersei: I don’t care for your veiled threats
Olenna: LOL what veil
Olenna tells Cersei that Loras better be released and cleared of all charges, or Highgarden will pull all support and supplies from the capital. Cersei tells her that she cant do anything about it because she has zero power over religious fanatics, which we all know is a blatant lie because she is the one who militarized them.
Later, at the Westeros Gay Trials, things go down hill for the Tyrells. Loras, who is looking dirty, bedgraggled, and 100% better than usual, swears under oath that he’s never, ever put his penis in or around another man’s butt, and especially not Renly Baratheon’s. The High Sparrow is like “hm, yes, we all definitely believe you.”
Margaery is called to testify as well, and she isn’t happy about it. She also swears that Loras is straight and that she has never seen or abetted in his gayness. Everyone also knows this a lie, but she’s the Queen so what are they going to do?
Answer: Bring in Olivar, the guy who works at Little Finger’s brothel and that Margaery walked in on Loras having sex with, to testify. Oops.
Olivar says that he has had sex with Loras multiple times, and that Margaery knew about it. His proof? He knows about the wine colored, Dorne shaped birthmark on his upper thigh. I definitely mocked him the first time he mentioned that, so tou-fucking-che, Olivar.
The High Sparrow decides this is enough evidence to put both Loras AND Margaery to trial, because being gay and lying under oath are both big faux pas in the eyes of the Lord.
Olenna: THIS IS AN OUTRAGE
Tommen stands by utterly useless, but to be fair he was probably in shock over the realization that he wasn’t going to get to have sex for a very long time.
It is the day of Sansa’s wedding and Ramsey’s batshit crazy girlfriend Myranda has come to draw her a bath with a nice side of emotional torment. Her attempts are laughable because it’s like she, and everyone else on this show, have forgotten that Sansa just survived four years of psychological torture courtesy of the fucking Lannisters. Like, PLEASE, get your peasant mindgames out of here. Sansa turns to her, dead in the eye and naked, to say “I am Sansa Stark of Winterfell. This is my home and you can’t frighten me,” which is the Westerosi equivalent of “you can go shave your back now.”
Theon shows up to walk her to the ceremony, and Sansa tells him to go fuck himself. All things considered, this is still a more pleasant wedding day than her last one.
She gets married in a snowy, lantern lit wood that is far more Pinteresty than you would expect from the Boltons. Whatever comforts the décor offered are immediately negated by Ramsey’s crazy eyes when he takes Sansa to be his wife.
In the writer's continuing campaign to shit all over poor Sansa, the ceremony is followed by the most uncomfortable wedding night of all time. This is a bold statement for a show where 50% of weddings end in horrific death, and I stand by it.
For half a sec I was like, “Maybe Ramsey will shock us all with a tasteful, uncharacteristically tender wedding night” and I have never been so wrong in my life. After taunting her about her virginity, Ramsey rapes Sansa and makes Theon watch. It is a testament to how fucking awful it is that even Theon is uncomfortable.
I haven’t read the books, but it’s worth noting that this definitely doesn’t happen in them, which means it’s the second rape scene to be needlessly written into the show. Chill. If the series doesn’t end with Sansa riding on the back of Drogon with Danaerys and personally murdering everyone who has wronged her, I’m going to have some words for David Benioff and D.B. Weiss.
5. Seriously, just fuck everything.
“If they arrested all the pillow biters in King’s Landing there’d be no one left in the dungeons for anyone else.” SLAY.