June 19, 2012
We are Karl Lagerfeld & Anna Wintour. We are Christian & Cher. We are Drake & Rihanna (minus the wheelchair phase). What do these unions have in common besides fame, fortune, and the possibility of a legal sexless marriage in Virginia? They are quintessential Gay BFF and Betch Bestie pairs.
Gay betches bring a duality to the table, and we aren’t talking about the conflict between our home and camp friends. On one hand we are evil cunts, but on the other we are evil cunts who actually somewhat care about the secret abortion you had junior year. We are a shoulder to cry on as long as you don’t stain our off-white Himalayan cashmere cardis with your mascara.
The GayBFF and Betch relationship is symbiotic. We are each other's security blankets, if security blankets could shop and smoke cigarettes. Due to our unbreakable bond and silent competition to weigh double-digits, we are down to share everything from salads to tank tops. Although the betch bestie is obsessed with us (in a less psycho way than Leighton Meester in The Roommate), she is still never a fag hag. Fag-Hags eat carbs and think Juicy Couture is a cute brand from Paris.
A Betch Bestie gives us the perfect excuse to pretend to care about someone other than ourselves and be surrounded by closeted frat boys. We will pretend to listen to your sob stories about your ex-boyfriend since we are now secretly fucking him. I know you’re going through a really rough time, but I still haven’t gotten over Marissa Cooper's death in season 3, okay?!?
The Betch Bestie is a sacred being, without which we would be completely bored of life. Setting your fugly friend up on a blind date to Olive Garden with a kind of sunburnt ginger is I guess kind of rude, but it is so much more fun and entertaining to plot in pairs. Combined, an onslaught from the Betch Bestie and we Gay Guys will leave our arch-nemeses either desperately crying or clinging to their favorite buzzword of the moment: bully.
We sometimes find it hard to manage all the everlasting affection from the multiple betch bestie wannabes that we juggle better than boys’ balls. However, no one but our Betch Bestie could possibly understand our obscure references. If our lives were a vintage reality show, that bitch would be the fat Christ-loving Alex M to my Cavallari.
Like a crack mother nursing her fetal alcohol syndrome baby, The GayBFF and Betch relationship is codependent yet inappropriate. We know each other’s styles, moods and secrets, yet the former wouldn't think twice about ditching the latter drunk in a dumpster when sex with a hot guy is in question.
Somewhere in an alternate timeline Chuck Bass and Sebastian Valmont were gay with each other. They fucked, banged and boned all over the Upper East Side. One day they decided to get married, because in this universe, that was fucking legal. They used some cool sciencey shit and popped out a few test-tubies, obvi carried by a gorgeous Russian model who needed the money....fast forward X number of years, and here we are.
We are not just some rando gay guys, we are The Gay Guys.