July 5, 2011
If betches had a religion (no, we don't count going to synagogue or church once a year for 30 minutes before sneaking off to Starbucks), then our Gay Best Friends would be the high priests. Thankfully, like all spiritual guides, Gay Best Friends are both total fucking experts in how to behave, and completely emotionally removed from whatever questionable behavior we confess to them. This role used to be filled by our housekeepers until we realized that anyone who walks around the house with a "Papa Gino's Pizzeria" XL t-shirt and self-made jorts is probably not someone we should be looking to for fashion advice, no matter how understanding they are.
Gay best friends are both brutally honest and also weirdly kind of cool/unemotional about whatever you do so you don't feel like they're judging you in a mean way. Kind of like the kid with Asperger's who gave his group a D when the professor asked what you thought your team's project grade should be, they're the referees of the Betch Life, objective bystanders who you can trust because they have no (fore)skin in the game.
The most amazing trait of the gay bestie is that they LOVE drama and always have way more scandalous stories than you, which makes you feel like less of a slut. You suddenly feel better about having sex with three different guys last weekend when your gay bestie informs you he just had a threesome in the Equinox bathroom this morning.
The entertainment value and emotional guidance that the gay bestie brings to a betch's life makes them the only real form of #50 guy friend. You know you can count on your gay bestie to be your sidekick at all times, constantly telling you how hot and fabulous you are, babe. Since they want to turn you into the ideal feminine embodiment of themselves, they always have your back when you feel like #1 talking shit about bitchez, or when you're having an anxiety attack amidst a fashion emergency. Since being surrounded by girls all the time is fucking annoying, a gay BFF provides the perfect dose of testosterone without having to feel self-conscious about anything you're doing. And you get to be their beard for their grandma!
The gay BFF is the ultimate addition to the bestie group. You get your biggest fan, your psychologist, and a friend who will never look better than you in a mini skirt. Since girls are inevitably all competing with one other, having a gay bestie is like a breath of fresh air. It's like rooting for your immigrant housekeeper to get her green card. You can selflessly support this person because your goals are not the same.
There's no better friend to a betch than someone who has no reason to get in your way, and gay besties are your shelter from all the bullshit in this world. So if you're looking for someone to tell it like it is, snag yourself the prized companion that is the gay bestie. They provide the perfect amount of male attention while being the only guys who have a reason to not want to fuck us. How else do you think we learned how to give head?