June 13, 2012
Somewhere in an alternate timeline Chuck Bass and Sebastian Valmont were gay with each other. They fucked, banged and boned all over the Upper East Side. One day they decided to get married, because in this universe, that was fucking legal. They used some cool sciencey shit and popped out a few test-tubies, obvi carried by a gorgeous Russian model who needed the money....fast forward X number of years, and here we are.
We are not just some rando gay guys, we are The Gay Guys.
1. Coming Out like a Betch
All gays do it. The Gay Guys just did it better. Choosing to admit you like dick when you have one yourself is a marginally tricky thing. …that is if you’re covered in acne, self-identify as a “Little Monster” and/or really enjoy uploading selfies of yourself trying to expose your clavicles out from under your extreme poundage. Otherwise, go upstairs after your theatric, heart wrenching coming out monologue, during which you pretend to care that one of the poor obese football players from high school called you a fag, and log on to your MacBook Air just in time for the new Alexander Wang Spring/Summer online debut.
You may think one would want to celebrate this long overdue declaration of sexuality in a Coming Out Party. This is an awful idea. This would give people the impression that you are somehow stable, content or even happy, and therefore they won’t fund your therapeutic trip to Paris where you’ll “discover yourself amongst the more accepting and progressive people of Europe.” I mean Napoleon was gay, and like really successful, and you know…French. As a newly announced gay, you have the world at your fingertips due to everyone’s fear that you may implode at any second.
This is your moment of emotional turmoil – also known as your moment to manipulate the shit out of your entire friend group and family. Seize the opportunity. Tell your parents you need an entirely new wardrobe to cloak the overwhelming shame of some closeted jock calling you out. Come on Dad…Like, I’m really sorry that I maxed my card 3 times last month, I was buying clothes to cover up a part of my soul that I wasn’t ready to reveal to the world. One could take this opportunity to get all the drugs you’ve usually had to buy from the Winter’s-Bone-certified methbitch who lives in that part of the city where that nice girl who works at Whole Foods got stabbed. If your parents are all like sad that your life is going to be more difficult, then put your natural theatre skills to work. We are the masterminds of manipulation, the veritable strategic geniuses of any bestie group. Failing 4/5 classes because you smoke too much weed and take too many shots to the face? Just blame it on the “deep existential crisis “ that you’ve been dealing with for whatever amount of time best suits you.
Side Note: If ever during your gripping performance you run out of lines, feel free to shout 'Throw me a fucking lifeline here, Regis!' This will almost always help you get your point across, (or get you sent away to Camp True Directions, depending on your parents).
Coming out will have a few inevitable repercussions, as being the most popular person to come out in your extended social community can put you under the rainbow strobe light. There will be the delusional girls who are devastated by the fact that you can no longer get married and have really stylish kids and like drink mimosas for breakfast. Once the initial feeling of loss has faded away they will follow up with a “OMG! I ALWAYS WANTED A GBFF!" Oh hell no trick, if you think I’m going to be the supporting role in your imagined cinematic narrative then you have an angry text message barrage coming. I dress better than you, what could you possibly bring to the table?
The fascination factor in your mostly straight social circle will catapult you to the status of a local celebrity. And if the next homo and his Coming of Gay saga attempts to disturb this peace, fear not. He will quickly see that there's only room for
one you and will end up face down in asphalt as a result of Lindzlo's next hit and run. Maintaining the novelty of being the only Gay Guy throwing down for bottles with the bros will become a major priority. The fact that you have surrounded yourself with the most impressive selection of betches to ever be assembled will only partially define your legacy, so be sure to capitalize on your new black lamé pedestal.
Remember kiddies, you can come out like an It Gets Better video or you can come out like a betch, do it right or stay the fuck in the closet.