June 27, 2012
In a cruel world filled with homophobia and obesity, there is a special place where homos can be at home. Bravo is a magical network with brunch, gays as royalty, and hot pros selling real estate and some shit. Smoking a j and watching countless hours of DVRed Bravolebrity dramatics is the perfect way to cure a Thursday morning hangover.
We have been watching Bravo ever since the olden days when five flamboyant homos fixed (and flirted with) a hetero man back in the simpler times when Bobby Brown was pretty much forcibly injecting Whitney with heroin. If this network were a person, it would be the elitist xanned-out guncle who parents shield their children from at family functions.
Whereas MTV displays alcoholics in a way that makes us feel like shit about our table manners, Bravo portrays them in a way that makes me feel fucking classy. Why the fuck would I want to watch a show about 7 poor people getting drunk in a house when I could watch a show about rich people getting drunk in 7 houses? If Kim Richards can go to rehab and still be invited back for season 3 of Beverly Hills, then so can we. The Real Housewives keep us grounded. The only thing real about these bitches is their plastic surgery bills.
The sheer amount of the network’s inhabitants who drunkenly spew out “YOU HAVE NO CLASS“ makes us crack up and want to introduce them to something called public school. One of our favorite pastimes is drunkenly dropping quotes from obscure Bravo shows to confuse the people we argue with and make the super fans around us spit up their martinis…. “Did you just call me a ho? WELL YOU’RE SUCH A FUCKING LIAR CAMILLE!”
We all secretly wish that Andy C would just like scoop us up from whatever table we are casually passed out on and, like, give us our own show. He is a cross eyed older man with childish explosions of exaggerated mannerisms that have clearly been brought on by too many years of being surrounded by fucking crazy people. I mean if Vicki-fucking-Gumvelson had me on speed dial, I would develop a nervous twitch too.
His brilliance has introduced us to such amazingness as obsessive compulsive plastic faced Jeff Lewis, a man who once posed the most important question of our time: Can you call rich people hoarders? Also to the inspiration of uber-betch Karen Walker; Mary Mcdonald of Million Dollar Decorators, psycho-lez Tabatha Coffey and finally to hot foodie Padma Lakshimi who got her arm scar tiger hunting in Bengal.
So boys, when your own betch besties aren’t giving you enough drama to live off of, you know you can always tune into to the Bravo Clubhouse where its completely acceptable to roll your eyes at the TV as much as you please, like, nice try, Ramona... And if you’re ever looking for the most effective way to get through to one of your betch besties, the clubhouse is always good for a simple, “You have a donkey booty.”