June 28, 2012
Attention gays. We're here to update you on the most recent trend as essential to our lives as skinny jeans and penis. Recently, you may have been strolling through town and taken a step back to wonder if you've been transported to a Woody Allen movie, or the streets of 1940s Berlin. Don’t worry; you’ve probably just stumbled upon a hip part of Brooklyn. Ever since looking poor made a comeback for the bourgeoisie, gays have been flocking to the salon to get the prolific Hitler Youth haircut.
Buzzed on the sides, long and styled on the top, the fascist haircut is the trendy gay equivalent of hipster bitch favorites such as high-waisted jean shorts, fringe bangs or blood-colored lip stain. Fascist haircuts complete the look for summer when paired with a size 27 waist and a low cut ripped tank citing some music festival where Bon Iver was in attendance probably alongside Paris Hilton in a gypsy costume.
The fascist haircut has re-instilled our hope in gay style following a dark period of horrid tank tops, neon v-necks, and various mesh articles. Inglorious Basterds may have made Nazis look hot, which is fucked up, but honestly like did you see Brad Pitt’s hair?!?! Who wouldn’t fuck him, or at least like suck some German dick? Ah, it makes us wish we could've encountered love in the time of Mussolini.
It's important to remember that only a select few can pull off the high and tight do, namely high and tight people. If you aren’t tall and thin, please stick with your bowl cut from middle school. No one wants to see a short, fat guy with buzzed sides that expose where his neck fat rolls over onto his back. Reserve this haircut for Opening Ceremony models or like gays with pagan tattoos.
So remember gays, Hitler may have been a homophobe, but his haircut proves the only real combat this bro participated in was one with literal Nazi assholes. Say fuck you to the fuhrer and sport the trend of the moment. The only thing straight about a fascist haircut should be the way the strands fall across your head.