Dear Betch, How Do I Get My Inner Betch Back?

Welcome back to another week of Dear Betch, where I attempt to make up for a couple weeks of not answering your emails by tackling more problems than usual. Got a batshit crazy problem of your own? Email us at [email protected] and you just might get a response. For more relationship advice, order our book, I Had A Nice Time And Other Lies, out Tuesday.

Dear Betch,

I’ve yet met no women who would understand the situation I am in.

As a serial dater I have met a bunch of guys, even though I am only a kinda crazy 20y old I seem to attract only the rich, handsome but old men breed, well not so old but they’re still in average 12y older than me.

But right now I am worried that the situation is getting a little bit messy and I hope you can help me chill the fuck down or at least know watta fuck I am doing. There are 4, all have that little something that makes me crazy about them, I feel hella lucky but while the 37y old seems to want to have babies with me, the 30y old one wants me to be his young teenage girl who takes him on crazy nights out, and the two other ones, well they seem to want me as their girlfriend. I want to keep them as friends but is it possible to fall in love with one and leave all the other ones behind ? I like them all, I just can’t seem to choose nor to want to abandon any of them.

Ps: I know I shouldn’t complain but I’m in a deep sentimental shit.

Love ya’ll betches

Lol k,

LOL @ how you make it seem like you’ve got this "je ne sais quoi" sophisticated allure because you’re attracting all these older men, when what the rest of us would call that is daddy issues. I don’t know, I’m not trying to shit on your parade or anything, but any guy pushing 40 who’s fucking a 20-year-old college student has got some problems. Basically, what I mean is, these dudes aren’t the Prince Charmings you think they are. But, to answer your question, you’re delusional if you think you can be friends with anyone you’ve fucked, especially anyone you’ve fucked who also happens to be 12 years older than you. Like, can you even name one thing you have in common with these guys? No, shared bodily fluids doesn’t count. So, I don’t know, pick the guy who buys you the most expensive shit and/or is the best in bed, and stop talking to all the others. Or, alternatively, break it off with all of them at the same time and start a new relationship—with a therapist.

Age-inappropriate kisses,

The Betches

Dear Betches,

Are you ready for this one? I started hooking up with this guy early in the summer, and we had been on and off ever since. We never really "dated" but we acted like we did, although he never wanted the label and would hate talking about it. I never really fall for guys, but all I wanted was to date him since we just clicked. During the summer into the fall, we texted everyday and visited each other during breaks from college. However, in November, he said "he wanted a break" from us. A week later, he came crawling back to be obsessed with me. WTF?! The last time I saw him during the winter break, he ended it again (right after we hooked up and didn't even give me the decency to get dressed...). Not surprisingly, I was PISSED, and after his drunken missed calls, he texted me the following week to ask when I was returning to school and to say he wanted to see me before I left...again WTF. As we started talking again, I was not surprised when he ended yet again in February and then to text me yet again several days later. As you can see, it is all so confusing, and we FaceTime quite frequently, but I have no idea where we stand, what our future will be (if there is any), and what to do. I can't seem to get over this guy! Any suggestions and would advice would be so helpful!



Dear Doormat,

Yeah, it’s really not that confusing. This guy doesn’t really like you—what he does like is getting his dick wet. So he gets horny/lonely, hits you up, gets what he wants, dumps you, lather, rinse, repeat. Grow a fucking spine, find your long-lost self respect and stop answering this guy’s lame-ass reconciliation texts. I promise you, the pure joy that comes from pulling the coldest maneuver humanly possible—i.e., cutting someone off—feels better than any dick.

Dignified kisses,

The Betches


Dear Betches,

I feel like I’ve lost my inner betch—how do I get it back? I graduated from college last year and am currently a grad student trying to find the balance between adulting and still being fun. During college I was at the top of my game: hot, skinny, social chair of my sorority, and the life of the party. I knew who I was and what I wanted. Fast forward to this year and I’m a total UGH. I got the basic post grad lob hair cut that looks awful, gained 20lbs, moved to a state where I don’t have a social network, and stay in on the weekends with Netflix. Fast forward to grad school spring break, where I was determined to be fun on visits to college friends. In the course of that one week I get fined $200 for puking in an uber, hooked up with my college not-boyfriend (who is literally Satan’s spawn), and get an infected navel ring from god knows what. So basically I’ve spent post grad being a cat lady or a trashbag with no in between. I know I need to pick a lane, but can’t seem to find a balance. How did I win post grad life and not turn into a cat lady or the friend with a drinking problem?

Did I peak in college?

Dear Lost Betch,

I’m like, trying really hard not to laugh at your pain, but you have to admit, your life is pretty fucking hilarious right now. I’m not just being mean—admitting your life is a hilarious train wreck is actually part of my advice to you. See: my life is a joke. It’s time for a change in perspective. You can either spend your time wallowing in self-pity and longing for the good ol’ days, or you can realize that your life is one big joke and laugh at yourself before anybody can laugh for you. Only when you realize the comedy of your situation can you begin to change it. IDK if you have a sense of humor, but if you do, you can even profit from your hot mess of a life. I mean, think of all the betches who’ve used their train wreck lives to catapult their careers: Amy Schumer, Sarah Silverman, me, the list goes on. Try starting a blog or a humor Instagram if you’re like, actually funny.

That being said, you don’t want to become the funny fat friend permanently. The above is just a coping mechanism while you get your shit back together. Pick a diet, any diet, and lose the weight. Take out your belly button ring—it’s infected which is gross, and you're not 13. It might seem counterintuitive, but I think you should actually go out more. Why? If you only go out once every six months, it’s pretty much inevitable that you’re going to get too fucked up and do something drastic because you never drink, and therefore, don't really know your limits and are most likely a lightweight. If you go out more, you’ll re-learn your limits and how to act right and hopefully build up a tolerance, so you won’t fuck up your life every time you go out. And like, make some friends who aren’t Nice Girls and have hobbies outside Netflix. I don’t have too much advice on that front aside from going out (all roads lead to going out) and being friendly. Bumble has a setting for finding friends now—maybe you could try that, or Sears?

Best of luck,

The Betches

Got a batshit crazy problem of your own? Email us at [email protected] and you just might get a response. For more relationship advice, order our book, I Had A Nice Time And Other Lies, out Tuesday.




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