August 8, 2012
As betches, it goes without saying that we're naturally beautiful. Few creatures walk the Earth boasting chiseled abs and perfect features on the same level as we and our besties do. I mean, that's why we're friends in the first place. But no matter how beautiful a betch is, she will never spend less than two hours on our favorite activity of the evening: getting ready.
For some reason, the betch and her besties freak the fuck out about getting ready, most probably because the stress free day of pampering has left us with almost nothing to vent about. But when it's time to start, everyone knows we mean fucking business. The art of getting ready requires at least four steps, thirty products, and like 8 outfits. Rushing to get ready is the worst. It's crucial take the process and prolong it as much as possible. Shower, sit around on your computer, maybe even watch a show... a 22-minuter for the betch with anxiety, but a chiller betch can swing the hour-long. The more leisurely your getting ready process, the better and more relaxed you and your fuck-off face will look.
Let's look at the typical steps in our nightly routine.
Blowing out your hair was a process you learned to perfect growing up. If your total hair product count for pre/mid/post coiffing is less than 12, then you might as well throw out everything you have and use Mane and Tail because you clearly treat your hair with the same respect as you would a farm animal.
After applying your expensive skin shit it's time to paint your face. Putting on your makeup is a delicate process and should never be hastened. Like, it took you 20 something years to develop a face like yours why should it only take you 5 minutes to tend to it before you leave your house? Several meticulously applied layers of mascara are essential to looking more feminine than Arya Stark.
Now comes the hard part. Betches are all for democracy, especially when it comes to voting on the important issues, namely ourselves. Like, we couldn't possibly imagine stepping out of our doors without polling our most honest besties 'how do I look? good right?' This is not to say that they haven't already seen the outfit you're showing them probably because you've asked them if you can borrow their skirt/crop top/boobtape.
One of the most important factors in getting ready are the people whose opinions you ask. And even more important is being able to read and interpret their body language/dirtylooks/fluffy responses. It's kind of like working for the CIA, but with more shades of eyeshadow. Let's crack the code:
"I meannn...I've seen you look better..." - Change immediately.
"Yeah I mean that's fine" - Do you have anything I didn't see you wear last week?
"I don't really know how I feel about that" - Well I definitely don't feel fucking good. Try something that doesn't make your arms look like those of Melissa McCarthy.
But at the same time, you should also gauge your judge. You have to look directly into your bestie's eyes to see if she truly thinks you're outfit makes you look 'soooo skinz' or if the bitch is just lying because she doesn't want to be late to the pregame. If this is the girl who normally has to ask 20 people about her own outfit, she's probably the one to ask if your outfit is flattering. The person who has the best fashion sense is the one to ask if you look like a fucking clown.
Sometimes you'll meet a girl (usually the WGG or the UGH) who pretends it takes her 5 minutes to get ready and goes for that 'I don't give a shit' look consisting of an outfit which does her body no favors and makeup that leaves a lot to be desired. Her face speaks for itself. This bitch is a hop, skip, and a jump away from attending pregames for an Ellen Degeneres HBO special.
Finally, last but definitely not least, a true betch is always carefully aware of her schedule for the four hours before she is supposed to go out. You should always plan your dinner no less than 2 hours prior to the pregame, and if you're getting ready after dinner it is the only time it's totally socially acceptable to eat dinner at 4pm so you don't feel like a bloated pig when taking shots. Your body takes hours to digest anything, even if its just lettuce drizzled with air.