December 12, 2012
“Basically nobody does anything for me anymore unless I threaten to kill myself” –Kelly Kapoor
It’s Friday night. You're running 200% late to the pregame, but your friends are in their respective apartments probably still thinking about getting in the fucking shower. Even though you've yet to mentally prepare to put clothes on either, you shoot your group chat a casual text anyway telling them to "get the fuck outside right now" because you're coming by in a cab to pick them up. Fast-forward to an hour later and you're actually getting in the cab, but your besties have been ready and waiting for like, the past 20 minutes. Perfect.
You've just successfully commited furgency.
Furgency, otherwise unknown as fake urgency is the manipulative device by which betches pull off the art of getting shit now. For us, 'now' means as soon as the idea of what we want becomes a twinkle in our fucking eye. For example: S.O.S. dad I’m like soooo broke!!!! $4 in my bank acct!!!! ...Or at least there will be after I drop the rest of my allowance on this Stella McCartney bag.
Furgency isn’t lying, it’s just #129 making shit up to pre-empt the very real possibility that we’re about to be inconvenienced. Inconvenienced = not getting what we want right fucking now. Just because betches are always #108 late doesn’t mean it’s acceptable for others to not be ready at least one hour before you were ready. Oh you were still ironing out your ridges? Get here now, I need to borrow a fuck to give.
When we need something from our parents: If I can’t get my highlights redone immediately, I won't be able to go out tonight. It's a TUESDAY Mom, don't you get that!?
Cutting the bathroom line: Excuse me, I’m about to vom! ...at the thought of waiting my turn.
Getting an immediate response to a text message: OMFG CALL ME!!! ...so you can agree with me again that the cut of Julia's engagement ring should be illegal.
Lunch dates: I’m soooo hungry I can’t wait for you to not drop everything you’re doing and meet me right now. ...I’ll just have a Diet Coke, thanks.
It’s important to remember that furgency should be used selectively, or you run the risk of being the betch who cried
wolf I have nothing to wear tonight. Nothing is worse than the overdramatic BSCB who ruins everyone's night by creating more anxiety than a fucking final rose ceremony, all because she keeps insisting we arrive somewhere only a mere two hours late.
So betches, if you’re the one who's all, stop trying to make furgency happen!, you're probably a nicegirl who believes that good things come to those who wait. Pass.