Girl Scout Cookies: A Betchy Guilty Pleasure

By Sgt. Olivia Betchson

Every betch wants to believe she’s totally original and there’s no other betch like her out there. At the same time, all betches basically do and like all the same shit. I mean, this site was basically founded on telling people what they can and can’t like. So what do you do when you like something that’s not on the Betch List, like for instance, regular hot coffee or Taylor Swift? Do you sit in silence every time Shake it Off comes on the radio? Do you drink iced coffee even when it’s snowing outside? No. Never fear, betch. We’re starting a new segment called Betches Guilty Pleasures, where we’ll explore a few unspoken things all betches like but will never admit. Until now, that is.

Now don’t go crazy, just because we’re giving you the stamp of approval to like these things doesn’t mean you should go overboard and like, like it on Facebook or anything. Just quietly take comfort in the fact that you’re not alone. And, you know, bitch about how out of touch we are in the comments section.

Please note, no matter what appears on this list, it will never be acceptable for any betch to own an Anne Hathaway movie aside from The Princess Diaries.

This inaugural edition of Betches’ Guilty Pleasures focuses on something that’s all the rage every late winter/early spring. It’s beloved by pretty much everybody, but being too outright about your obsession will make you sound fat. It’s: The Girl Scout Cookie.

Let’s just get this out of the way: Girl Scout cookies are fucking delicious. Nobody is denying that. We are also not denying that eating them will make you fat, which is why most betches don’t go around announcing to the world that they just ate a box of Tag-a-Longs last Thursday because HTGAWM was just too intense. Also, most betches were Girl Scouts at one point in time. We don't like to admit it, because it shows we used to be nice, but you can't run from your past. And it is for these reasons the cookies have a special place in our hearts.

Now that we’ve established Girl Scout Cookies are amazing, let’s cover the acceptable and unacceptable methods of consumption.

Acceptable: Buying a box or two from your coworker's daughter. This is acceptable because you can just say you gave into pressure. I mean, who are you to deprive little Jenny of a badge and a new laptop, or whatever the prize is for selling the most cookies nowadays?

Not acceptable: Seeking out which grocery store your local troop is camped out in front of, hunting them down, and buying their entire supply of Samoas. Like, you might as well just throw out your gym membership and sign yourself up on the sex offender registry while you’re at it.

Most Acceptable: Ordering online. You can do that now, and nobody has to know.

Never Acceptable: Buying more than, like, three boxes. Also, buying “Lemonades,” which are essentially Trefoils with a lemon icing. Gross, what’s even the point of that?

Keep in mind that it’s questionably acceptable to keep a box of Thin Mints in your freezer year-round to tide you over until the next round of sales. It’s also equally questionable to make your own Girl Scout cookies. Think about the children! Other than that, you should be good. Also, Tag-a-Longs are the best flavor. End.




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