September 17, 2014
The other day I was on the elliptical after Project Runway had ended. I was about to change the channel when I heard choruses of “Giiiiirl,” “honey,” and “mmmhmm.”
Enter, your new favorite guilty pleasure show, Girlfriend Intervention.
Basically, this show is Queer Eye but with sassy black ladies instead of gay guys. They choose some “basic” housewife and give her four “advisors.” Each one has her own specialty: there’s Tracy who does makeup, Tiffiny does fashion, Nikki does home décor, and Tanisha whose title is something like “soul advisor.” No I’m not making this up. She was basically like the narrator or the second coach they bring in on Made when the kid’s really not getting it.
So the episode I watched featured Emily, a white (this becomes important later) housewife whose husband is black (also important later), who dresses like complete shit. Her idea of a cute outfit to wear at a family bbq is a pair of sweatpants and a V-neck, talk about a hot mess. Also I don’t think her hair remembers the days when it was not in a bun, ew. Her excuse is that she had kids but like…so did Beyoncé so unfortunately for us ladies the “post-baby body” is no longer a thing.
I’m going to focus on the “What Not to Wear” section because tbh the segment about how Emily furnished her house with hand-me-down Ikea furniture was a DGAF-fest. There was a reason they cancelled “While You Were Out.”
There were a lot of memorable moments, and what made it even better was the fact that pretty much every comment was tinged with some casual racism. If you’re a white girl, I highly recommend watching the show seeing as it will reference “typical white woman” stereotypes you didn’t even know existed.
- They made Emily walk down the “Catwalk of Shame” where they all just shat on her. One of the advisors turned to the others and I kid you not, said, “No black woman would dress around her husband like that, cause we know if his wife ain’t pleasing her man someone else will,” and all the ladies were like, “mmmhmmmm” and “you tell ‘em, sista.” Like what? Did you just imply that black men tend to be unfaithful or is that just me being racist by inferring you’re being racist? Does anybody have Advil?
- During the “this is what you should be wearing” part, they put Emily into a skirt that was so tight you could literally see her entire panty line, like even on the sides. When Emily (rightfully) said she was uncomfortable Tanisha was all, “Typical. Like so many white women and I don’t know why, Emily is judging her body instead of showing off her curves!” …do cellulite and bunches in our underwear count as curves now? I’m genuinely curious.
- “African American women love to show off the booty.” Like ok Tanisha clearly you haven’t seen what betches wear on a typical Thursday night. Hit up a frat party and then try to tell white girls we don’t show off our bodies.
- When they went clothes shopping Tiffiny said, “We’re gonna start here at X store to look for more professional clothing for Emily.” Camera cuts to: a pair of denim booty short cutoffs hanging on the rack. Yes, I also shop for my professional wardrobe at Wet Seal.
As if that wasn’t embarrassing enough for all races involved, they later had Emily record a rap, which was as cringe-worthy as it sounds it’d be. They even gave her two chains to wear during the recording session but I’m sure if 2Chainz knew where his jewelry was going he wouldn’t have agreed to it.
To these ladies’ credit they did make Emily look way better although I prob could’ve done it in half the time with one hairbrush and a tube of mascara. Hey Lifetime, do I have a job yet?
All in all if you can get past the fact that it’s an internet shitstorm waiting to happen--or may be BECAUSE of that--Girlfriend Intervention is pretty damn entertaining. Also a great ab workout for all the laughing you’ll do at the completely absurd and out-of-touch advice they all give. I feel like they should just rename the show "White Women do What Now?" cause that sums up my whole viewing experience pretty nicely.