February 25, 2013
Last night Girls took a break from every single main character breaking down in tears to go to the only place worse than Staten Island: rural upstate New York.
We open with Jessa and Hannah waiting at a train station for Jessa's absentee dad to pick them up, while Jessa muses about potentially being molested by a substitute teacher. NBD, it was probably Lindsay from the Bachelor.
With all the old people and disgusting random sex with junkies, I'm surprised it took Hannah this long to develop a UTI. "The best way to get rid of it is to stick garlic in your pussy," adds Jessa, not so much in an effort-to-help-Hannah-out but more so to hear herself talk. And ugh, girls saying pussy to refer to a vagina. NO.
What this whole episode really did was remind me that none of these girls would actually be friends in real life. They're too fucking different and you can sense during this entire trip that Jessa just like completely hates Hannah. Every line she says to her is an insult and everything she says is condescending. It'd be like every interaction you had with the #48 dud if the two of you took a road trip together. Finally, I cannot believe that Hannah didn't go ape shit after reading that cheesy fucking note. If my friend left me a handwritten note that said "see you around love X" and then ditched me at her dad's house in bumblefuck I'd be plotting exactly where and how I was going to burn all her clothes before just casually leaving and calling to thank mom and pop for a wonderful upbringing.
Hannah: Your dad is really late
Jessa: It's really lame that that bothers you.
On the porno mag:
Jessa: Helping a boy discover his sexuality is like the most noble thing you can do.
Hannah: What about being a doctor?
Jessa: Who says she's not a doctor?
Upon hearing about her sex with Frank:
Jessa: Are you serious? That is disgusting. He is a child.
Now on to Jessa's dad, the source all her daddy issues, who looks like Charles Manson and apparently drives the same car. He also is insanely predictable just spewing out the same exact shit you'd expect a father of Jessa's to say including but not limited to:
"It's not a theory. Camry drivers are cunts." If by cunts you mean poor then yes, they are cunts.
"You know, we're not like other people." Translation: I'm not a regular dad, I'm a cool dad. I don't pick my kids up from train stations and I eat bunny for every meal of the day. Talk about a TTH hippie.
Hannah, true to form, won't stop bitching about how hungry she is and tries to fuck anything with a pulse. Her flavor of the week: Frank the 19 year old camel toed virgin who is the only person I can truly believe would be that amped to fuck her. We also get these gems which are dece but not on par with the usual dialogue:
Hannah: Nice to meet you I'm Hannah. I really like the way you fold down your turtleneck.
Frank: I had sex with a girl who lives near me. Her name was Rihanna.
While less excruciating than the episode where Hannah has a three day affair with a separated doctor, I can't say I didn't wish Tyler didn't drive that car off a fucking cliff in an effort to make this episode moderately less painful than the 2 hour and 45 minute mark of the Oscars.