January 20, 2014
This week on Girls Adam's psycho sister comes to visit, Hannah turns 25, and Marnie proves she can be even more annoying than we previously imagined was possible. It's important to note that between Caroline's suicide attempt and Ray finally getting punched in the face for refusing to shut the fuck up, more blood was shed on this episode than any other episode of Girls. Is somebody being influenced by working in the same office as the Game of Thrones people? Let's take a look at our characters on their tumultuous journeys to become 25+ year olds who are all fucking coffee shop baristas.
This episode opens with Hannah cutting Adam's hair. Why does everyone think they can cut hair? I’ve literally never heard of a single person who cuts their own/anyone else's hair. Anyway, the haircut is cut short (ugh, pun seriously not intended because it sucked) when Adam's sister arrives with a sob story about a breakup. Her name is Caroline aka Line-ey and she is also Samantha from Now and Then. Wow, she looks exactly the same. “Apparently no one trusts a young beautiful teacher. They only want old, stinky ones." When did the unibrow woman from Dodgeball start becoming synonymous with beauty?
Adam tells Hannah that his sister is crazy so she can't stay and Hannah breaks this news to her with the timeless excuse, “I forgot my friend Karatee is coming to stay.” Like your prototypical whack bitch or your average Bachelor contestant, Liney pulls the abuse card the second she's rejected (disclaimer: it's not whack to be an abuse victim, it's whack to manipulate people with it). Hannah’s response to this is to invite her to her birthday party. Is anyone surprised?
Cut to Hannah's weird birthday where Marnie's somehow convinced herself that she's the guest of honor. Nothing says you look good at your birthday party like someone saying you look “healthy and clean.” Also nothing says 'fun party' like the attendance of your old parents from Ohio and your old, gay e-book editor. Does Girls have an 'older gay man makes a scene at a young, hipster Brooklyn party" quota?
After kind of a circus of a party, Adam puts his tooth or his sister’s tooth (he doesn't know because "his mom put it all in one box”) on a necklace for Hannah. That is literally the worst present I can imagine receiving. Like "Happy Birthday here's an old decaying tooth that was maybe in my mouth 20 years ago. I want you to wear it around your neck." Seriously, getting a fucking Groupon would be a better present than that. It would be like giving my boyfriend a vial of period blood.
Finally, did we really have to see Samantha from Now and Then’s full bush? It really takes away from her suicide attempt. Like, why does everything have to be done without pants?
Marnie, true to form, dresses up as Martha Stewart for Hannah's party. Of course she would make the planning of Hannah's insanely boring looking birthday party all about her. “This is the best distraction for me and I’ll have a bunch of party pictures to post to Instagram and I KNOW HE CHECKS IT.”
I thought I couldn’t hate Allison Williams anymore and now THIS music video.
Shosh: People are so mean in the comments:
'Please slap this ditzy princess in the face and tell her to shut the fuck up' - I finally agree with a comments section.
"My name's Marnie Michaels I am prominently featured in many of Hannah's essays."
Wow Marnie can you like stop getting up and awkwardly interrupting parties with your unsolicited speeches? This Rent inspired duet is somehow even sadder than her impromptu "Stronger" performance at Charlie's party. Remember when you were considered the character who had it together?
"It's really amazing that the three of you have accomplished so little in the 4 years since college." - Is it too late to rename the series after this quote?
Ray, proving he can be even more pathetic than he was in season two, really hits rock bottom this episode. First he has a weird bordering-on-homoerotic moment with his boss, then he decides to attend Hannah's birthday party even though I'm pretty sure he's not friends with ANYONE there, tries to make small talk with Shosh, embarrasses himself, then gets punched in the face for being a fucking hater. He did however, have some good lines:
To Shosh: "Cool cigarette” - great rude line.
"That silver elf? Poor man’s Anderson Cooper over there?"
"It’s not fair to end things in the middle!” - Ray with his mixed DJing, relationship metaphors.
Jessa is basically an extra this episode whose only real purpose is to silently laugh as a way to mock Marnie as she belts out "Take Me Or Leave Me". Since Jessa's mean one liners are basically the reason I watch this show, I'm giving this episode a C-.