May 7, 2012
When the episode began with the sound of an iPhone text message we knew this show was trending up in a big way. Who knew just how big until the debut of Hannah's Mexican teenager eyebrows, freshly stenciled for Cinco de Mayo.
Though the males on this show are like murder on the eyes, we'll assume Lena Dunham just wants to make it ever more clear that this is not a series about guys it's about GIRLS. Need Adam always be shirtless? Must every guy suggest that Andy Samberg is budding?
But like why are they all extremely stupid? Building a coffee table out of garbage to impress your G-friend, really? Maybe start collecting zippers to meld into wedding bands while you're at it. Also, how could you let Woody Allen go through your girlfriend's shit? Like you think it's chill he put his hands all over her vibrator, let's see how you feel when Marnie lets Hannah touch your cock ring. And while the diary song was very
funny fucked up, we'll defend him and say that at first he did not know it was her diary, he just thought it was a very sad, handwritten book.
Hannah: Aw poor slothy. It was really sad to watch her try to hide her happiness that Adam sent her a furry picture of his penis by feigning embarrassment... this dick pic made her feel special! For us the biggest question wasn't for whom was this text really meant but from where did he get this dick-sized squirrel fur? PetCo?
Okay Han, you say you probably shouldn't call this guy your boyfriend? I mean...you DEFINITELY shouldn't call him your boyfriend. You told us yourself, you don't even want a boyfriend! You just want someone who wants to hang out all the time and thinks you're the best person in the world and wants to have sex with only you and just keeps giving you HPV!
Now about her eyebrows. I plucked them all out in 8th grade I think they just grow in differently. Earth to Hannah, that's an anxiety disorder, you could've gotten a Xanax prescription but instead you chose to style your facial hair a la Bruce Jenner.
Finally congrats on the new job though it appears your office is on the 1990s set of Erin Brockovich. Just remember when life hands you sexual harassment, you don't just go the fuck along with it, you sue the company and then write a tell-all, idiot.
Jessa: You know what the weirdest part about having a job is? You have to be there everyday even on days you don't feel like it. Fucking truth bomb. Maybe if Jessa wasn't spending her playground time giving the I Have a Dream speech to the multicultural babysitter's club, she wouldn't have lost the children of the dad she is eventually going to fuck.
Marnie: It's not adult life if your parents pay for your blackberry. Yeah it's fucking POOR life, who the fuck still has a blackberry? What, do you use the VZ navigator to pinpoint the exact location of your boyfriend's balls?
Shoshanna: The more we learn about Shoshanna the more it becomes clear her glory days were in camp, where she led a totes amaze kitchen raid in 2001 and gave head for 5 seconds. So this knee-crippled bro asked her to hang out and she was the most shocked person in America. Totally see Shosh writing us a Dear Betch letter... xoxo camp virgin. Guys, she's never had straight friends before!
I so don't get attached when I bleed I'm like totally not an attached bleeder.
Finally, I fucking loved that ending like, a lot. This show is getting better every episode. We're just wondering though, wouldn't you think Hannah's eyebrows would be smudged after her big fuck sesh? I can totally see Adam wiping them across her forehead with his large thumb, Rafiki style. Asante sana squash banana.
Cause you don't wanna miss a thing