Girls Recap: Jessa is Just a Whore With No Work Ethic | Betches

Girls Recap: Jessa is Just a Whore With No Work Ethic

By The Betches

After recovering from last week's cocaine cocaine comedown, this episode was possibly the best ever. Between all the passive-aggressive dinner fighting and HUMI award throwing it was perfect...until Lena's exhibitionist streak got the best of her and they decided that the final scene absolutely MUST take place in the bathtub. Like is there some personal nudity quota she has to hit and HBO gives her a bonus because I can't think of one other reason why they couldn't have had this conversation on the couch. Do you know what a normal girl would do if her bestie walked in on her taking a bath? Tell her to get the fuck out because despite what Girls wants you think about Brooklyn, straight girls don't take baths together. Ever. Also, everyone knows hipsters don't bathe.


But aside from that little moment of weirdness this ep was otherwise a showcase of the most epic meals since the last supper or like my birthday junior year. Big fights at Hannah's and big fights at the Rhodes'.

Hannah first. After carefully crafting the most awkward guest list known to Brooklyn-kind, she threatens her friends at knifepoint to insist they all stay and act fake to each other. Wow, this girl is starting a mustard company Marnie, what are we doing with our lives? ...Nothing, nothing with condiments.

Luckily Shoshanna and Ray show up to break the tension with news that they've been fucking non-stop. Apparently so much that Shosh didn't even realize a 33 year old homeless barista moved in, which is literally a sheltered Jewish girl's biggest fear. That's not to say that Ray and Shosh's little exchange of I love yous wasn't the cutest public transportation display of affection we've ever seen. She found love in a homeless place.

Now regarding the happily married Jessa, who last week was all condescending and like "look at me the hunt is over read the newspaper I have puppies" is now dunzo with Officer Rhodes in the most amazing fashion. To be honest we really hope this isn't the end of him because I might go into withdrawal without that accent in my life. However I'm not that worried because Jessa will probably revenge-fuck his creepy dad next week. In hopes of this I'm giving Jessa her own quotes section.

On #108 being late: Ew I hate when people are early it's so vile.

On meeting the parents: I hate this restaurant, but I don't even care because I'm so happy to meet you guys!

On her husband's ex: Fern, that's a ridiculous name!

On heroin: I never shot it, I only snorted it, that's important.

On religion: Wish there was a lord, but I know there isn't.

On her husband: I tell my friends that you were born a test tube baby, just so you have a little edge.

Call Outs

....butt plug.

When they first showed Charlie's new girlfriend I honestly thought she was Marnie until the actual Marnie walked in. Charlie doesn't have a type he has a cloning machine.

Twenty four year olds really don't have dinner parties like, ever and yet they occur bi-monthly on this show.

So, the best new examples of 'casual' are Ray being 33 (gross) and dating a 21 year old and Jessa being a former heroin addict.

I can't believe Jessa's opening offer to leave was only 30 thousand. They're right, this bitch does not know the value of a dollar. Since there's no way this hippie wedding included a quickie prenup she could've gotten at least two mill. Jessa would know way better than to open that low, that's amateur hour. I've seen bras more expensive than that.

Quotes of the Night

Elijah: And I paid for all of your burritos junior year which were twice as expensive as any normal girl's fucking burritos because you were always doing add-ons. Spinach, guac, pecans...?

Hannah: Well it's not my fault you didn't want to liven up your meals.

Marnie: I'm a hostess...
Girlfriend: Oh so when people come to the restaurant, you like, show them where their table is?
Marnie: Yes....So where do you get your headbands?

Girlfriend: What was he gonna do turn away a crying mess he probably thought you'd slit your wrists!
Hannah: No no she's way too self involved to commit suicide.

Marnie: Grow up
Hannah: Uhh excuse me I AM grown up that's why I cooked all this food!! ...Nobody mind she does this all the time just continue to have a ball. I love what I made.

What are her mustards not receiving enough accolades?

That was my HUMI, I won that for being a fucking humanitarian.

Last week's recap>> 




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LET IT OUT, HONEY

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