Girls Recap: My New Haircut

By The Betches

After last night's finale we know what you're all thinking: there's no way Adam would've had service to be on FaceTime that long. Do they even have cell towers in Brooklyn? Even the soaring instrumental music in that final scene couldn't distract me from this major plot manipulation, though it did feel just like I was watching a really extended Bachelor hometown date run-hug so I know I should've expected it to be bullshit.

The episode started with everyone having sex except for Hannah who was too busy dealing with the misadventures of another orifice and her unfinished e-book. Adam as a sexual deviant, Shoshanna trying to break up with Ray's black soul, Marnie being...herself. As Kwiig would say I'm soo SURPRISED.

Meanwhile Hannah's been having the same melodramatic mental breakdown for the past three weeks or so, but I wouldn't be surprised if this was just Lena Dunham's ploy to wear pajamas on set. I have to point out how Hannah's little 8-things-at-a-time OCD tick was notably absent during her DIY haircut. Convenient. Though when I go on a compulsive google searching binge it's usually more like "how many calories are in an apple?"

Laird, obvi the best hairdresser in all of Brooklyn, came back to call Hannah self-absorbed and black inside and cut her hair like a baby troll. He reminds me of the homeless guy who offers free haircuts (bangs included!) by my apartment. Hannah ended up looking like the hobbit but I do like his beanie cap it looks like he got it on birthright


About everyone else: Jessa is absent, literally and symbolically. Shoshanna gets Ray out of her (apartment). And of course fucking anorexic Marnie. I think I find an issue with this Marnie/Charlie thing because I really just hate her. I just like don't want her to be happy. We're old fogies now. VOM.

Finally, the most surprising than anything that happened this entire fucking season? Adam can lift Hannah.

Quotes of the Night

"I had Scarlet fever it's not my fault no one believed me I could diagnose it myself from reading Louisa May Alcott." - from reading who? Let me google that for me.

"Is this the same girlfriend that carries that purse that's shaped like a croissant? She dosn't want a Latin scholar she wants someone who can support her for the rest of her life so she can continue to buy bags shaped like weird bread products."  - Touche.

"Sometimes I love you like the way I feel sorry for a monkey. Like they need so much help because they're in such an ugly cage."

"Maybe then you'll appreciate the difference between negativity and critical thinking." Spoken like a true 33 year old barista.

"You've reached Jessa, I would never listen to a voicemail but if you insist on trying" ...if I wasn't as flaky as Jessa I'd take the time to change my message to that.

"Oh hello...YOU FUCKER...You're off somewhere just living it up, wearing a crop top, you probably got your vagina pierced, and you forgot about everyone who's fucking it up here! So I hope you're having a GREAT TIME. LOVE YOU!"


Last week's recap>>




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