May 21, 2012
"...I'm from Michigan" - (Mean) Girls
So this episode was just a giant Hannah fest, which makes us wonder where were Shosh Jess and Marnie!? Well, Marnie was probs still trying to figure out how to get home from her boyfriend's apartment that she's never been to. Jessa was probably like, knitting underwear or something. And Shosh was definitely spending her week in therapy after her voyeur experience. Was I supposed to be turned on by watching my cousin getting fucked? Does that make me a lesbian, omg I'm totes a lesbian.
Back to Hans Christian Anderson. So her trip home consisted of receiving no money for rent from her parents, fingering a pharmacist's asshole, and seeing her dad's dick. Wow, sounds so fun! Talk about FOMO.
Question though, why did she pack her shit in a garbage bag? Like what, you don't have a suitcase, how did you manage to get by security with your conspicuous garbage bag filled with dirty underwear? Haven't you heard Hannah, airport security no longer looks for knives or guns, they look for underwear.
Let's talk about her delusions. Although she showed signs of progress, "I have been dating someone who treats my heart like it's monkey meat. I feel like a delusional invisible person half the time," she's still completely living in fantasy dating land with Adam. The fact that her dad even knew about Adam's existence, enough to casually ask about him, says it all. Like what have you told your parents? There's this guy I'm really into and we haven't been on any dates yet but sometimes after work I go over and, if it's not occupied by another chick, I finger his asshole, with my boots on.
She's also under the impression she is writing a novel. I'm writing a book, and I really have to get back to New York to work on my book, you know, because I'm like a writer, my books called Midnight Snack, named for a party I threw last night.
Apparently her dubious grasp on reality applies not only to her love life and career aspirations, but to geography. You're not from New York and therefore naturally interesting, you're from Michigan and sort of Brooklyn and therefore naturally addicted to Black and Milds.
And how about that whole sex scene? Can't believe she was such a fucking weirdo. Want me to leave my boots on? What's your favorite part of fucking me? I'm tight like a baby right? Quick, what baby animal does my vagina remind you of?
NO but seriously, this bro may have resembled a strawberry blonde teen wolf but he was somehow 20 times more attractive than Adam, as in I don't cringe when looking at my screen.
On the topic of Adam, we seriously feel bad for Hannah. She was doing so well and then big
foot dick had to call her back and like, tell her he "missed" her. I mean this was just a misstep on his part but she definitely took it as a sign that they're on the path to dating. Their relationship in a nutshell: Adam spits out lines from snap chop captions and Hannah interprets them as signs of eternal love.
We find out Hannah wrote the advice column in her high school newspaper. What did she like give elaborate analyses of the maximum times you can call a guy before he calls a lawyer or like, the suicide hotline?
We can't believe she actually called Adam SEVERAL times. But when he asks her about it, she's all like, I'm just checking if you would call me if you ever died? Like no Hannah, he would call 911. Why can't you just play this right!? The kid's an idiot, he would have believed anything, even "Oh no I accidentally called you, I was really trying to call my home friend named uh, Ada."
I was out having sex with someone else. I was out having sex with a pharmacist.
Dad: Honey, you can text when the movie's over Hannah: But I don't care what happens during the movie.
And lastly, I can't believe I just saw the boobs of the mom from Freaks and Geeks. I feel as though my childhood has been raped.