Girls Recap: Ain't No Party Like a Platonic Groin Massage

By The Betches

So this episode of Girls told the twisted tale of a few spice girls at a rave/warehouse/random boob flashing party. Lucky for everyone, this magical journey to Bushwick was seriously fucking funny as we watched them each cannonball into an infinity pool of their own narcissism.

This rager reminded us of the multilevel clubs in Prague that we were too drugged out to remember the names of. Neon room? Crack room? Jail cell? For us, the best moment was when Tako Tuesday dismantled a beer bottle with her incisors.

It was cool that the girls showed up three hours late, but it wasn't cool that they didn't spend those three hours drinking. It's called a #23 pregame. Fucking duh. Also two-thirds of Manhattan would never be at a Brooklyn warehouse party, how would people even get there, the bike lanes would be so crowded!

girls recap buschwickJessa....Attack it, attack it!


Shoshanna aka baby spice, smokes crack for the first time, flips out, takes off her pants, and platonically massages the groin of the guy we predict to be her V-Card. Seriously we couldn't even pay attention to Shosh and Ray's convo because we were trying really hard to figure out if she was in tights or if she was bare vag'ing it. Either way, now I know what's missing from my life: a drug spirit guide. God knows that girl who fucked a tree at Ultra could’ve used one. Shoshy WOULD take a self defense course that teaches you how to beat up a mattress. Do they also put a hole in the fitted sheet attached to said mattress in order to instruct you how to fuck as well?

Marnie, let's call her, posh spice, only because she comes dressed to a grimy bisexual party in Brooklyn like she's about to attend the Veuve Clicquot Polo Classic. Marnie was clearly hoping she would get to serenade Charlie with Mariah's "Why You So Obsessed With Me" but instead it was more like Avril's "Hey Hey You You I Don't Like Your Girlfriend." She discovers Charlie's already moved on to a girl who seems actually fun and doesn't have the chill factor of Queen Elizabeth at an NAACP rally.

We actually died when Elijah slapped her in the face for insulting his singing skills which was on par with his declaration that Hannah's dad is gay. For real, can this GBFF get a main fucking role? He might be the betchiest character on the show. RENT REHEARSALS!

Jessa killed it this ep and I guess we'll dub her ginger spice since she's neither sporty nor black. Despite the fact that she came dressed as the black swan in the molting season, she pulled some gemly moves including chucking a wine bottle 50 feet onto Charles Manson, escorting a walking mid-life crisis to the hospital, and inadvertently setting Shoshanna on the path to sexual addiction. Seriously, talk about someone I'd like to pass around a crack pipe with.


girls recap buschwickIt's not delivery. It's DiGiorno.

And finally we have delusional spice Hannah, who went from "Adam hasn't answered my texts in two weeks" to "yes I want you to be my fucking boyfriend!!" Honestly, no wonder Adam doesn’t wear a shirt since apparently the only ones he has are hand-me-downs from a seventies porn star.


Let's briefly talk about what happened with Adam. After hearing his little "you're using me for sex" rant we quickly realized that Hannah's been playing the game (or a bad attempt at it) while Adam hasn't. How often do you hear of this actually happening? Exactly...while it may happen sometimes, betches beware, just because Adam wasn't playing the game doesn't mean that the guy you're hooking up with isn't. 60% of the time bros are playing the game every time.

After seeing the previews we can't wait for next week. Do Adam and Hannah play rapist/rapee in the shower? How many Facebook pictures of Charlie and his new girlfriend skipping through Italy will Marnie have to see before she ODs on herbal tea and jealousy? Will Jessa upgrade her flip?

Last week's recap>>





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