September 3, 2014
Dear American Girls Who Tell Me Their “Favourite Colour is Purple,”
You market yourselves as sophisticated ladies and, while that is not generally the vibe I go for, I can respect that. What I have a problem with is your random appropriation of European spellings and icons to embellish whatever “classy” traits you think you have. I obvi #3 studied abroad and love all things European including beer festivals, raves and clubs that stay open during the hours of breakfast that I don’t eat. But even as someone who watches Love Actually on a biweekly basis, I know there’s a difference between loving Europe and being an annoying poser.
For example, when you say things like, “J’adore Paris!” all the time, I throw up in my mouth a little. Everybody likes Paris because fucking duh, it rules. You don’t need an Eiffel Tower on every notebook and planner you own (because I KNOW you own planners) to remember how much you like the idea of that city. I say idea because I’m guessing you’ve never actually been there and been harassed by the French who hate all Americans because of people like you.
Additionally, the random British spellings have got to go. Why are you going out of your way to add letters to words for no reason?? That doesn’t make you not from New Jersey. Your identity crisis is irritating and pointless, like when people claim to be “born in the wrong decade.” Like no, that’s not a thing.
If you’re not sure whether this letter is addressed to you, here are some other symptoms that might clarify if you’re the kind of girl I’m talking about:
- Poofy hair
- Audrey Hepburn poster(s)
- Wearing red lipstick that is way too bright
- Owning long pearl necklaces
- Instagramming pictures of tea and an open book (Note: Ummm if you were THAT into your book you’d be reading it, not making it pose for you)
European style is “classic,” for a reason, sure. But imitation is not the best form of flattery when it’s tacky AF and the closest thing that you have to a personality. This is America, betches, where we value individualism. Get rich or die trying. Or some shit like that.